


The Light in the Pines

by ShutUpandPull



Category: Castle
Genre: AU, Caskett, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:02:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24040093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShutUpandPull/pseuds/ShutUpandPull
Summary: Sometimes a person isolates because it's a necessity. Sometimes a person isolates because they've convinced themselves it's a necessity. Sometimes it takes another person to show them it isn't. In other words, yes, this is yet another story about the aftermath of Kate's shooting, and about how she and Rick find a way to bring their new worlds together. (Rating may fluctuate)
Relationships: Kate Beckett/Richard Castle
Comments: 17
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

_"When it all falls, when it all falls down_

_I’ll be your fire when the lights go out_

_When there’s no one, no one else around_

_We’ll be two souls in a ghosttown_

_When the world gets cold_

_I’ll be your cover_

_Let’s just hold_

_Onto each other”_

**_Ghosttown_ by Madonna**

* * *

* * *

He was standing right there beside her and then he was gone in but a second, down hard and impossibly fast, his body left crumpled on the ground in a motionless heap as she struggled to overcome the instantaneous paralysis of her own.

Kate had heard the crack of it twice, first as the bullet exploded from a distant barrel and then as it collided with Rick’s flesh and bone and collapsed him, the latter among the most horrific sounds her ears had ever experienced.

The sky above was cornflower blue and unblemished by clouds, the sun’s caress gentle and warm on her skin. It was a magnificent spring day, the sort of day that made one forgive the arduous months of bitter cold wait for its arrival. In some cruel twist, it’d only been a moment before metal pierced their laughter that she’d thought she could hardly recall a day that’d felt as soothing to her soul as that one.

But then.

Though stunned by fear, Kate’s eyes scanned the field around them. It seemed to go on forever, to have no beginning or end, no direction toward or from anywhere. And there was no one. They were two, alone.

Where had everyone gone? she wondered, and yet who was everyone? If they’d been there, she couldn’t call up their faces. She couldn’t hear their voices. Surely, they couldn’t be the only ones in that beautiful place on that beautiful day. Could no one else see the sky, feel the sun?

She tried with all her might to rouse her muscles, but their control was no longer hers. Panic roared through her body. Who would help Rick? The grass once thick and green beneath his feet was now matted with a crimson pool of his blood, one that continued to grow with every blink of her eyes, one whose crawl she could almost hear in the deafening silence.

The gun’s blast had frightened away the songs of the birds and the whisper of the breeze and replaced them with a palpable nothingness, save for the pounding of her heart and the desperate screams thundering in her head for escape, which her voice couldn’t successfully capture.

_Rick! Rick!_

Again and again she tried and failed. Like her, he hadn’t moved an inch. An image of her mother flashed across her mind then, not a welcome snapshot, not a happy memory, but one of her body, stabbed and slumped over in a filthy alley, her blood just as thick and red as Rick’s, and Kate slammed her eyes shut in an effort to banish it. 

None of it made any sense. It couldn’t be happening all over again. The world wouldn’t steal from her someone else she loved, not after what she’d already been through, not after what she’d found in Rick that she’d never found in another. She didn’t deserve such pain, nor was her heart equipped for it.

A solitary tear escaped her closed lid and streaked down her cheek, but she couldn’t wipe its tickle away. Like some children’s game she made a wish on it, that when she opened her eyes Rick would be whole, unbroken, standing there beside her just as he had been from the beginning.

When she did, he wasn’t. In fact, he wasn’t there at all.

She was alone in that endless green field absent birds or breeze, beneath the sun of that cornflower-blue sky, but she found her hands coated with the rust of dried blood. Once more, she tried to scream his name and prevailed, at last. But there was only her cry, nothing more.

****xxxx** **

Kate woke with a start, rattled by the nagging dream that now plagued her and uncertain of her bearings, though she quickly realized she’d simply fallen asleep on the couch again rather than in her bed.

That wasn’t anything out of the ordinary in her new world--her new shot-in-the-chest-by-a-sniper-and-survived world--because as she’d come to learn, hidden away there in her father’s upstate cabin for those thirty-six days, beds and couches and hours and minutes and day and night eventually became just words for someone with no real need to care.

Thirty-five days before, she’d thrown a single bag of clothes and books into her father’s car and left the city for the woods. She’d told only him, managed to keep it that way for a couple of weeks until Lanie grew more insistent about a visit and could only be talked out of it by the truth. By now she was sure others knew, not that it ever truly needed to be a secret. Except, preferably, from the people who wanted her dead.

She pushed herself up into the corner of the couch, winced with the ache of her unintended haste and settled again. If only she’d thought to strap on her vest beneath her blues for her captain’s funeral. How foolish of her not to realize how dangerous a cemetery packed with half of the NYPD in broad daylight could be.

Going on two months from that afternoon, it was still a fight to get from here to there. For a woman who’d for so long lived as though she was invincible, the weakness thrust upon her continued to go down about as well as a glass of nails. She hated it. She hated every damn minute of it.

With greater care so as not to pull at her scars, she used the band wrapped around her wrist, twisted her hair up on top of her head and secured it. For a moment she couldn’t remember if she’d already showered or not. She ultimately determined she hadn’t, but slid the information into the doesn’t-really-matter column and moved on to her phone, which she found tucked beneath her thigh.

Lanie sent messages. Kate responded to most. Rick hadn’t sent any messages. Sometimes she had to remind herself that she’d told him she would, that that was the way she’d wanted it. It made her feel sick. It made her feel angry. The damn dreams weren’t helping.

It was years before the nightmares that came out of her mother’s murder waned. Even now they flared up on occasion. Recently, her subconscious had decided to pull Johanna Beckett out of the game and substitute in Richard Castle. That wasn’t a game Kate wanted to play. Unfortunately for her, whoever the game’s referee was didn’t seem to give a damn.

It didn’t take a degree in psychology or a shelf stacked with books on the interpretation of dreams to understand. She got it. She knew what Rick had tried to do for her in the cemetery that day, what he’d been willing to do. What he’d had the courage to do. She knew it second by second, frame by frame. And yet she’d lied. More than that, she’d turned and run, like a thief in the night, left him to deal with the weight of the memories all on his own, because that’d been easier.

Now there was payback. Now when she closed her eyes there was blood, so much blood, blood spilling out of a heart that loved her, that she loved. And how she did. She’d never loved any heart more. But it had her frozen with fear, and alone.

There was a voicemail from her father. She called it up and listened. No matter what the words, his voice always brought comfort. He’d been borrowing a friend’s car and driving up to see her every week or so with groceries and anything else she needed in hand. They’d always reminisce about years past, about times they shared there as a family. It was often exhausting, truth be told, yet, at once, a treasured light in the darkness.

He'd be up late on Friday he said. She needed her phone to tell her when that was. Two days. She’d have to make a list for the market, which made her realize she hadn’t yet eaten, either. Sometimes she forgot to. Most of the time she just wasn’t that hungry.

She boiled water for tea, gathered some fruit and crackers on a plate, and went outside to the deck off the back of the cabin to pick at it. She dragged one of the chairs from the pair there into the sunshine. Its warmth felt different than it did in her dreams, but she knew the dose would be good for her.

It was the only place she ever went. That was as far as she’d wandered since she’d been up there. Some days the walk felt like miles rather than steps, and wasn’t that just the apt metaphor for so many things in her life at present. Work, love, any semblance of true safety and security were all at a finish line she couldn’t see from where she stood. Everything seemed a question without an answer, an unlabeled map.

She changed her mind and set her hair free again, welcomed the breeze from the tall pines that surrounded the property’s edge to have its way. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed the kiss of summer’s mountain air until she met its acquaintance again after so long. It wasn’t at all like that of the city, hardhanded and pitiless.

She adored those pines. When she was a young girl, her father would tell her bedtime stories of fairies that played among them, about how they would descend from the stars at night and flutter about the soft bows, their twinkling light visible only to those who truly believed. She still caught herself now and again, all those years later, staring out into the trees in the darkness with childlike hope. A part of her still wanted to believe.

She swiped a slice of green apple out from under a bee that’d attempted to claim it, swallowed it down with a pucker thanks to its sour bite, and pulled her phone from the pocket of her cardigan.

“Hey, Dad,” she said with a smile in her eyes after he announced himself with a business-formal, “Good afternoon, Jim Beckett speaking.”

“There’s my girl.” The attorney melted instantly into father. “How are you feeling today, Katie? You sound tired.”

Kate shook her head. “I’ve only said two words, Dad. But I am tired. What else is new?” It was plain in her voice. She loathed how many ripples one tiny piece of metal had left in its wake. “I got your message.”

“Good, yeah, I’m thinking I can be at the house by 8:00 PM. Maybe sooner if the weekend traffic isn’t too bad. If you can send me a list sometime tomorrow of what you’d like me to bring up, I can get the shopping done then and save a stop on the way.”

“I will. It won’t be much. I still have a bunch of stuff from last week.” She leaned her head against the back of the chair and shut her eyes. “How are you, Dad? What’s been going on at work?” She just wanted to hear him talk, about anything at all, to be lullabied by his lilt.

Jim puffed out a half chuckle. “First of all, you better be eating. You know you need to keep up your strength. Second, you’re already frustrated because you feel tired all the time, beautiful daughter of mine. Listening to me go on about this place sure isn’t going to help change that. My work isn’t nearly as exciting as yours. You’d be out like a light in three minutes flat.”

Her bee friend buzzed by her ear and perked her up, her focus drifting out again to the trees.

“Dad, do you remember those stories you used to tell me about the fairies that would come down from the stars at night?”

A hush sat between them a moment before he replied.

“The fairies and their dancing light.” She could hear the curiosity in his soft reply, knew his immediate inclination would’ve been to ask what’d sparked such nostalgia had he not instead found himself likewise lost in the sweet remembrance. “You have to believe, Katie.”

Kate reached for another slice of the apple from her plate.

“I’m trying, Dad,” she said.


	2. Chapter 2

Rick arrived home that Wednesday night just before sunset, which, compared to the history of the past several weeks, was surprisingly early. As he had every day since the shooting, he’d spent it at the precinct, studying, compiling, searching for any connections that might somehow be made between what’d happened to Kate and who’d made it happen. And like every other day, at its end he had little if nothing to show for his seemingly endless hours of effort.

The bullet with Kate’s name on it hadn’t slammed into her life alone, hadn’t pierced her chest and left him spared, despite the wholeness of his body. In her absence, the hunt had become the wound that was his preoccupation, his obsession, his everything, and every morning, over and over, he stepped up to the foot of that monstrous mountain and began the climb.

He wore the exhaustion of it like a suit. It hugged him head to toe, and he never took it off. That wasn’t for lack desire or endeavor. No, he longed for the peace of sleep. It just never came. Night after night, the light was turned off, the sheets pulled up, the physical world around him still, but the moment he closed his eyes Kate would appear, and all that would do was remind him that she now only lived in his head. In his head and on the page.

“Now, I know that face, kiddo,” his mother commented as he crossed the loft toward the kitchen. She had her hands full with an assortment of cartons and containers from a meal that looked as though it could’ve fed fifty. “That’s the I-spent-time-with-my-ex-wife-and-now-I-need-a-drink face.”

“Hey, Dad,” Alexis called from the upstairs landing. Rick turned and found her, felt the customary rush of joy that was the greatest accomplishment of his life. “Gina called. You left your phone at her office.”

Up on the bar he set his bag of files and finds, the one he now carried and never let out of his sight, and he reached into his empty pockets.

“I didn’t realize.”

Martha eyed him with motherly concern. She found that was a thing she now did quite a lot.

“She said she’s having it messengered over tonight, since your flight’s early in the morning.”

“Thanks,” he said. “I’ll… Thanks.”

Alexis shared a look with Martha. “No problem. We got Thai delivered. It was good. You should have some before Gram puts it away.”

His flight. He still had to pack, and though he’d just come from an hour at his publisher’s going over the details for the forthcoming weekend, it was as if he just suddenly remembered he had a trip.

“Maybe later, sweetie, thanks.”

Alexis shrugged. “Okay, well, I have some reading for my summer class. I’ll be in my room,” she said and walked off.

“She’s worried about you, Richard. So am I, even more than I usually am with you running around the city playing cop every day when you’re nothing of the kind.”

Rick dragged his bag off the counter, threw it over his shoulder. “This conversation is tired, Mother, and I’m too tired to have it again. We’ve already been here.” He stepped off for his office. “I don’t need you to worry about me. I wasn’t the one they shot at.”

Martha slapped the spoon she was using to gather up the leftovers onto the counter with a clang and it rattled against the concrete, stopping him in his tracks.

“No, you were just the one who tried to dive in front of the bullet,” she threw back. “You were just the one who had to hold the hand of the woman you love in an ambulance as she died in front of your eyes. You’re just the one who barely eats, who barely sleeps, who carries around the weight of a broken heart because the woman you love has gone off to God knows where. But, no, you’re right, Richard. Why should we worry?”

He stood a moment. “I’m sorry,” he said without turning back. “I need to pack.”

**xxxx**

While Kate Beckett had gone off to God knows where, her fictional counterpart, Nikki Heat, remained close, and Rick’s weekend was to be spent in her company, helping to promote her most recently released literary adventure, _Heat Rises_ , with a small collection of book signings for the loyal masses.

He was to visit three cities in three days, beginning with Chicago before moving on to D.C. and finally Albany, and there was no part of any of it that he was looking forward to. He’d tried to back out that very evening, in fact. Gina had laughed in his face, literally.

His travel bag sat open and empty on the bed, he beside it. His eyes fixed on the bookshelves across the room, on the spines of all the novels he’d penned and had displayed there. Would there ever be another? he wondered as he slid from one to the next. What if she just never came back?

Truth be told, he didn’t need Kate’s job anymore to do his. He had plenty of connections, and the skill and talent of craft to write just about anything he chose, not to mention years of cases locked in his memory for inspiration. He could be the novelist he fundamentally was without her. The trouble was that wanting her had taken the place of needing her. She’d become the fire behind every word, the reason for every beginning, but she’d taken every ounce of its joy away with her.

The house phone rang and tugged him alert. He answered it, went and met the building’s doorman at the elevator and reunited with his phone. Kate hadn’t called. Not that he hadn’t stopped expecting it. He had the first couple of weeks, hoped for it the next few, but not now. His anger over it had become something different. Or maybe it hadn’t. Anger was easier than a lot of other things.

He pulled some jeans and button-downs from the closet and tucked them into the bag. He gave himself a look in the mirror as he gathered his toiletries. He hadn’t had a haircut in too many weeks, and it showed, as did the days since his last shave. Strange it was to see one’s reflection but find it difficult to recognize.

When he returned to the bedroom, he found Alexis repacking his things. He stood in the doorway, watched until she noticed him.

“I know how much you hate to iron,” she told him. “I just wanted to--”

“You don’t have to take care of me, Alexis.” He cut in, knew what was coming. “And you don’t have to worry about me.”

Her head shot his way and there was something different in her eyes. “Have you looked at yourself, Dad? Since all of this happened, have you really stopped to look? If I don’t take care of you, who will?”

Rick stepped up to the bed, set down his bathroom kit, took a breath.

“I’m doing what I have to. That’s all there is right now. I’m sorry if I’ve been a shitty father because of it.”

“Yeah, you kind of have.” She continued to fold and roll. Despite the bite of her tone, a smile hung there between them. “I know you miss her, Dad, and I know you love her, but Gram and I were there that day, too, and we’re still here now. So are you. We’re still here together. We don’t want you to forget that.”

Tears welled in his eyes as he moved around the edge of the bed and pulled her into a hug. He would never, ever forgive the bastards who brought that horror to his daughter’s life.

“I promise I’ll never forget,” he said and kissed the top of her head. “I’ll do better. I’ll be better. But please understand that I have to work through things this way right now. It’s helping to keep me treading water.” He angled back, pressed a kiss to her forehead. “You and your grandmother are my everything, Alexis. Kate is too.”

“I understand,” she said because it was what he needed to hear and picked up another shirt.

**xxxx**

“I still can’t believe you bought one of these things just to bring this up here,” Kate remarked again of the warmer bag Jim had used to transport their dinner from the city. Along with the fruit, bread, eggs, and oatmeal cookie stocks he’d replenished, he’d stopped to pick up a fresh pizza from a joint that’d always been a family favorite, and after so long without that simple city pleasure, the slices were going down like heaven. “You really are the greatest dad, you know that?”

“Of course, I do,” he replied wholly matter-of-fact, “but hearing it never gets old. And it was my pleasure.” He scooted back in his chair, patted his belly. “In more ways than one. I’ll wrap up what’s left. Heat it up and finish it off this week.”

Kate heard it in his voice, saw it in his eyes, though he’d tried to be so cool about it.

“I am eating, Dad, really,” she assured him as he wandered into the kitchen with the pizza box. “I know it won’t do much good for me to say it, but you don’t need to worry.”

“You’re right,” he said and tore off a square of foil. “It doesn’t do much good. I wouldn’t be the greatest dad if I didn’t worry about my daughter, my daughter who just got shot by a sniper in the middle of a damn cop funeral.”

She knew she would never be able to understand what it must’ve been like for him to have to watch that scene play out before his eyes, or the true agony of the hours at the hospital that followed. His anger was just, as was her own, but it made her already aching heart throb even more that she couldn’t unburden him of it, especially since she’d been the one to set the load on his shoulders.

“I’m sorry,” Kate uttered softly, and her eyes slid away.

“Hey, Katie, look at me.” Eventually her wet eyes came around. “You don’t owe me an apology for that or anything else. You’ve done nothing wrong. Nothing. What happened to you, Katie, happened because you did something right, and clearly that scared someone--a coward. And, yes, I may hate that you’re a part of any of this, but I wouldn’t expect anything less from the incredible woman and daughter you are, and I have never been more proud of anyone or anything more than I am of you. I know your mother is, too.”

She caught the tears rolling down her cheeks with her napkin, dabbed them away.

“Pizza and tears: dinner of champions,” Kate joked.

Jim returned to the table, sat. “Must be the onions.” He held out a hand and she took it. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Dad.”

“Speaking of love…” Rick’s face flashed across her mind and she let it linger without challenge, without wishing it away. “I have something I want to tell you about. No, no, it’s not--It’s not _that_ ,” he clarified when her eyes widened. “Not yet. But I am going to be enjoying the pleasure of a woman’s company for dinner tomorrow night.”

“Most people just say they have a date,” she teased. “So, where did you find this woman, on Lawyer Love (dot) com?” His face flushed an adorable shade of pink. “It’s been a long time, Dad,” she went on affectionately.

She could recall only a couple of instances in all the years since her mother’s death where he’d opened himself up to the possibility of finding love again, but he hadn’t truly been ready. She wanted it desperately for him, though, more than she did for herself.

“I met her at work. Well, not at work, but through work. The firm she’s with is doing some work with my firm, so we’ve spent some time together and have sort of hit it off. I don’t know, Katie. It may sound silly coming from an old guy like me, but my palms get all sweaty when she’s around.”

“It sounds sweet, Dad, not silly, and I’m happy for you. You’ll have to let me know how it goes. Most of the books I’m reading these days are mysteries. I could use a good romance, for a change.”

Jim gave her a smile. She reciprocated.

“Have you talked to him yet, Katie?”

Of course, she knew who _him_ was. She just shook her head.


	3. Chapter 3

Waking separately, in beds hundreds of miles apart, they couldn’t possibly have known it, but the two opened their eyes within moments of one another from the most restful hours of sleep each had enjoyed in far too long. 

Still fully dressed, shoes and all, Rick rubbed the cobwebs from his baby blues and pushed his body upright in his Hay-Adams hotel room in D.C., its drapes open to a view of the White House and the Washington Monument standing tall behind it, both aglow against the dark of night.

His late-afternoon signing event had run longer than he’d both expected and hoped, and despite his gratefulness for the crowd that’d shown up at the bookshop to land his scribble in a copy of _Heat Rises_ in the name of support, the only place he’d wanted to be during every minute of it was alone.

He pulled out of his sport coat as he gave the capital panorama beyond the glass a proper scan. It was an image even more exquisite than he remembered, the grandest of art, and though knowing a photograph would be a poor substitute, he nevertheless reached into his pocket to retrieve his phone, along with which rolled out a crinkled ball of paper.

He had no need to unfold it to be reminded. A bumptious blonde had passed him the note come her turn in the scribble line, written on it her phone number and a blow-by-blow narrative of precisely what she intended to offer him that evening if he used it. Rick was certainly no editor, but he found the plot suspenseless and riddled with holes he had no interest in filling.

It wasn’t so much the tale that mattered, though. It was the author, and there was only one he wanted to read. As it turned out, she’d come to him again during his snooze. That wasn’t any surprise. She often did, but that bed on that evening had gifted a rarity. There’d been no bullets, no blood, no fear, just Kate’s body and his, moving together as one, up and down and in and out and over and over.

He snapped the photo, sent it on by text message to Alexis with assurances he was fine and would be home late the following night, then stripped off the rest of his clothes and stepped into his second shower of the day with the buzz of Kate on his brain.

**xxxx**

Kate had retreated to her bedroom and dozed off in the middle of writing in her journal after her father had left that afternoon to head back to the city. Putting her feelings down in ink was a new practice, one she wasn’t convinced had yet proven itself beneficial or that she would continue in the long term, but the encouragement had come from Javi in the immediate aftermath of the shooting, someone who knew her better than most and who understood the insidious ways of trauma, so it had, at least for the time being, become her homework.

She lay there in the blackness of the room, in its perfect stillness, and pointed her toes in stretch beneath the sheets. She hated sleeping on her back, but it was still the only way for her to maintain any reasonable level of comfort, and she longed for the day she’d again be able to tuck herself up into a ball on her side without her body screaming in objection. The things she’d taken for granted continued to show themselves and surprise.

She angled her head back for a peek out the small, square window above the bed and found the moon in its frame. It was but a sliver, yet captivating in its modesty. Her father had told her rain was on the way, but the evidence didn’t seem to point to it, and evidence was her lifeblood. She missed her romance with it more every day, the courtly waltzes of seduction they shared, the thrill of its inevitable surrender.

Rick had done that very thing in her dream.

A smile took hold of her eyes and narrowed them when it hit, when the vision of him lifting her naked body up around his waist and backing her into the wall, driving into her when she begged for the sensation of his hard against her soft. There’d been no bullets, no blood, no fear, just Rick’s body and hers, moving together as one, up and down and in and out and over and over.

_Have you talked to him yet, Katie?_

She heard it again in her father’s voice. It wasn’t the first time since he’d asked. Or even the tenth. How many times she’d held her phone in her hand, stared at Rick’s name on the screen and found no courage to press on. What was there to say besides everything? Everything was something she’d never said.

Her phone was there on the bed beside her along with her notebook and she reached for it. She could feel her chest rising and falling with her quickened breaths, even quicker still when the first ring echoed in her ear. She’d dialed his number so many times and thought nothing of it. Even when it’d been new, it’d never felt so new as it did in that moment.

Then there was his voice. But it wasn’t. She permitted herself the indulgence, listened to the entire recorded message, not one for her but for everyone, because it was all there was, and then she hung up.

“Fuck,” she whispered aloud and let her hand fall.

It wasn’t thirty seconds later that it rang back. She answered, but in the shock of it nothing came out of her mouth.

“Hello?” Rick said for a third time. “Right, yeah, I figured it had to have been an accident.”

“It wasn’t,” Kate managed finally and hoped she hadn’t unwittingly shouted it for all the effort it’d taken. “Castle?” He’d gone silent. “Are you there?”

“Yes. Good to know you’re still alive.”

She knew she deserved that. “How are you?”

“Gosh, you know, thanks for asking, Beckett. I’m actually pretty shitty. How are you?”

His words as weapons burned more than the bullet.

“Castle, I’m--”

Rick shoved his fingers through his hair, slammed his eyes shut and pinched at the bridge of his nose. He couldn’t. That wasn’t the way he wanted to do this. That wasn’t the way.

“How are you?” he said again, softer.

“I’m tired. Sore. Bored. I had a lot more fun here when I was a kid.”

His body wet from the shower and wrapped only in a towel at the waist, he turned and sat at the edge of the bed.

“Where’s here? Chuck E. Cheese?” He made her giggle and could’ve sobbed over the joy of the sound. “You sound tired.”

“Thank you for that. I don’t laugh a lot these days. I came up to my dad’s cabin a few weeks ago.” She paused. “I had to go somewhere. I didn’t know where else.”

“I was where, Kate. You could’ve come to me.”

It stung mercilessly when he said her name that way, filled with so much disappointment and hurt, the furthest cry from the way it’d tasted on her tongue in her dream.

And dammit if only she had.

“I don’t want to keep you. I’m sure you’re busy,” she said. “Thanks for calling me back. I was probably the last person you wanted to talk to.”

He could only sit there and shake his head.

“Really, Kate, if after everything you don’t believe you’re the only person I wanted to talk to, I don’t…”

“I’ll call again,” she promised equally to him and to herself and clicked off. “I miss you,” she confessed, alone in the darkness.

**xxxx**

There was a thing about the quiet, a thing it shrewdly chose to leave out of its advertisements offering an alluring escape from the noise of life, and Kate had become a victim. Tried though she had to defy it, in its company, day in and day out, she’d never felt more compelled to listen, and all she could hear was Rick.

The phone call had only exacerbated it. It’d only made her want more of the thing she was supposed to not want--to not want yet--but he was the only one that’d ever made her feel like things could be different, could be brighter. Rick, not the quiet, was her escape, but so much had happened before him. She couldn’t just walk away from all of it with nothing.

He had his office door closed and papers and files from both Johanna’s and Kate’s cases scattered across his desk and the floor like puzzle pieces. That was what he did with his days and nights. That was all he did. He’d go to the precinct and work them. He’d bring them home and work them. He’d become Kate because there was no Kate.

With Martha and Alexis already gone to bed, he sat alone, swallowed a gulp of scotch, pushed a hand through the hair that was wailing for a cut. And while the buzz of his phone came as a surprise, given the hour, he promptly flung his stacks aside without care or concern to locate it, because, somehow, he knew. He knew it was her.

“It’s you again,” he said, startled and relieved at once.

“It’s late, I know. I just…” Rick leaned back in his chair and she did the same in hers out on the deck, the moon above showing a rounder belly than it had when they’d spoken a few nights before. “Is now okay?”

“Have you already forgotten? I’ve got book money, Detective,” he joshed. “My phone’s one of those fancy-schmancy, 24-hour models. It never closes. I guess this means you’ve transitioned to the desperate stage of bored if you’re calling _me_ again.”

He’d served it up like it was some punchline, but Kate couldn’t help but wonder if a part of him truly felt that way. If she’d made him feel that way.

“No, Castle, I just couldn’t fall asleep, and it hit me that listening to you would probably put me right out.”

A grin spread across his face.

“I guess Josh and his doc buddies must’ve thrown in a free boost to the old sense of humor with the surgery, huh? How is that old hog-riding friend of mine, anyway? I’m sure he asks about me all the time. Figure I should return the gesture.”

Truth be told, he’d rather engage in a discussion about dirt, but he just couldn’t help himself. Envy was far mightier than any pen he’d ever wielded.

“It’s not my business how Josh is anymore, but I’m sure he’s fine. We… stopped seeing each other before I came up here. I can give you his number if you want to ask him yourself.”

“I didn’t know.” How could he possibly? “I’m sorry.” It was one of the biggest lies he’d ever told, and though, more than anything, he wanted to ask why, he refrained.

“No, you’re not,” Kate replied, a thought that shifted too quickly to action. “Anyway”--she stared up at the stars--“have you seen the sky tonight? You almost can’t look away when you’re up here. The show’s too perfect. You don’t want to miss a second of it.”

“I don’t get outside a lot.” He surveilled the snowstorm of paper all around him. “You sound more, I don’t know, settled. Have we lost you to the country life?” He almost choked on the words.

Through the fabric of her nightshirt, her fingertips traced the curve of her breast and skimmed across the scar that would forever live at its side.

“You haven’t lost me,” she told him. “As much as I--I just need to be here for a while, Castle. I need to figure all of this out.” She went on when he didn’t say anything. “Will you just talk to me for a little bit? Tell me about something?”

“Help put you to sleep, you mean?” he jabbed. “I should charge you, you know, send you a bill. Being a master storyteller, this is like a valuable service I’d be providing.”

Kate rolled her eyes. “Too bad you don’t know where the hell to send it to. I guess you’ll just have to put it on my tab for now.”

“And quite a tab it is,” he cracked suggestively. “Okay, for the gratifying mental image you’ve inspired, I suppose I’ll give you one on the house. Shall I tell you about the racy note I got slipped during my book signing last weekend?”

God, she probably really didn’t want to know, but she also didn’t have the energy to fight it.

“Just talk, Castle,” she said, curling her arms beneath the blanket she had draped over her. “Just talk.”


	4. Chapter 4

Rick gave himself permission to stay in bed late the following morning. Even then it was only until just after 8:00 a.m., but that really was a gift, certainly compared to his up-before-dawn routine of the last several weeks, and it felt damn good.

He and Kate had talked for hours. In fact, he’d done most of the talking, but that was nothing new. That she’d asked him to do so had been the true surprise of it, and he’d taken full advantage. He’d realized the odds that opportunity might ever come around again were slim to none.

He got up and showered, cleaned up the mess he’d left in his office, packed his bag for another day in the trenches at the 12th and headed that way. He walked twice as many blocks that morning as he normally did. An unexpected refill of his energy tank was what it was. It could hardly be a coincidence.

Javi was alone at his desk when Rick stepped out of the elevator and crossed the bullpen, and that was precisely how he’d hoped to find him. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Kevin or that he wanted to keep anything from him. It was a just a delicate request he had to make, and Javi had a different sort of relationship with Kate, a tighter bond. Always had. That simply made him the better place to start.

“Morning, brother,” Javi said with a flash at his watch. “You get lost or something?”

Rick slid his bag from his shoulder, parked himself in Kevin’s chair, gave the room around them a sweep.

“Yeah, I was coming from your mom’s house.” He spent no time basking in the quick-witted jab before moving on to business. “Esposito, I need a favor.”

Javi’s eyebrows popped. “After you crack on my mother, bro? What the hell was that?”

“That was a few sound hours of sleep, an espresso, and my usual superior comedic skill. A favor, Espo, come on.” He leaned in over Kevin’s desk. “Do you know where Beckett’s cabin is? Her father’s cabin? Upstate?”

“Yeah, I know _of_ it. I don’t have a clue where it’s at. Why? Is that--?”

Rick’s eyes shot left to right and back again. “She called me. A couple of times we’ve talked, just recently. She’s been up there for more than a month.”

“Damn, me and Ryan have been wondering what’s up. We were just talking about it again the other day, thinking it was messed up we hadn’t heard anything. How’s our girl?” he asked, his tone shifting abruptly to care from displeasure.

Rick took a pause. “I wish I could say I really knew. You know what Beckett’s like. If her leg were on fire, she’d probably pull out marshmallows. That’s why I want to go up there, try to find out, face-to-face. Can you swing the address somehow?”

“Nice image, dude, and I’m a freakin’ detective. I got all kinds of somehows, but if you’re talking to her now, why don’t you just ask her where it is? Why are you trying to get both of us in trouble?”

“Would you expect anything less from me?”

“I hear that.” Javi wheeled in tight to his desk, woke his computer with a shake of the mouse. “I don’t know why you always have to do shit the hard way, bro. As if doin’ shit isn’t already hard enough.” He pulled up some database or another. “I swear, if Beckett comes down on me for this, you’re going to owe. Remember that.”

Rick reached down and grabbed his bag from the floor when he spied Kevin moving in.

“Thanks, Esposito. If she gets pissed, I can always blame Ryan.”

“Ryan, yeah,” Javi echoed with an approving snicker, one his partner managed to catch.

Kevin set a mug of fresh coffee on his vacated desk. “Hey, Castle. What’d I miss? What’s so funny?”

Castle shuffled casually away.

**xxxx**

Rick got into his car the next day and out of the city by noon for the just over two-hour journey, and even with the day’s grey skies, he sported his sunglasses the entire way. That’s what nerves did, steal sleep, and his eyes ached from it.

The Becketts’ cabin on Pine Drive wasn’t easily found upon initial effort. The street name was painted on a piece of wood that’d seen decades of wear, and there wasn’t a numbered mailbox sitting out at the edge of any of the driveways he drove past once he finally backtracked and made the proper turn. Twice he missed hers and ended up at the street’s dead end. His navigation system was so lost, it’d all but exploded in a puff of smoke. He ended up just leaving the car until he could locate the place on foot, using an old photo Javi had found him.

He stepped on the brake halfway up the long driveway and took in the scene. Lined up like soldiers, shoulder to shoulder, pines stood tall in every direction as a makeshift natural fence. The modest but charming home of painted red wood sat near the middle of the impressive piece of mountain property, thick, green grass surrounding it on all sides, a small shed off to the back a bit that he imagined might accommodate a riding mower equipped to handle a lawn of that spread.

He noticed another car parked ahead and the jitters instantly kicked in. Foolishly, the notion Kate wouldn’t be alone never even entered his mind. Now he faced the real possibility of just that. But he was already there, and for a reason, and he had no intention of going without at least seeing her face after all that time.

Slowly, he crawled his car up the rocky path and pulled up next to the other. His hair was still a mess, but it’d seen worse days, and what was there to be done about it anyway? He hooked the bag on the passenger seat by the handles, took his deepest breath in and out in two months, and made his way toward the front door.

That’s where Kate was when he got there, standing in the open door with her fingers clenched around its knob, and in a single blink, her beauty wiped from his brain every word he’d ever learned but one.

“Hi,” he said and nothing more, and it felt like he aged a decade before she said anything back. In that alone, he knew he’d made a mistake.

“What the hell are you doing here, Rick? How the hell did you…?”

He swallowed hard, blinked his vocabulary awake.

“I wanted to see you. I just wanted to see you.”

Kate gave him a single shake of the head, pivoted, and disappeared inside, leaving the door wide open. Naturally, he followed, despite the lack of invitation. That hadn’t stopped him so far.

“You never listen, Castle,” she said. She didn’t even need to turn to see if he was there. She knew he would be. “I specifically told you I needed to be up here alone for a while, and you just show up out of the blue? I didn’t share where I was because I secretly wanted you to keep playing cop and track me down.”

Rick set the bag on what appeared to be the dining table and took a couple of steps toward her, which she subsequently equaled backward.

“Okay, in my defense, you didn’t say you needed to be alone. I mean, you told me your father comes up.” She didn’t appreciate his attempt at cute. Her expression screamed that. “Fair enough, not the same thing. Would it make you less angry with me if I told you I came bearing gifts? Clearly not.”

“Dammit, Castle, why the hell did you do this?”

Her heart was pounding like a drum, and anger was only part of it. Seeing him again after so many days and weeks since the hospital when she’d sent him away made her feel so alive, her body could barely contain it.

He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, tried and failed to blow the flop of bangs from his forehead. Then he looked her straight in the eye and told her one more time.

“You almost died. I just wanted to see you.”

Kate’s chin dipped. She stared down at the floor, at nothing. She didn’t know how to do what it was she really wanted to do, so she did the thing she did know.

“It doesn’t always get to be about what you want, Castle. If I’d wanted you to come here, I would’ve asked you to come here.”

Rick hadn’t realized how close to the surface his anger was, but it roared like a fire fed fresh gasoline.

“What _I_ want? That’s a joke, right? You’re kidding.” His hands came out of his pockets and he drove his fingers through his hair. “Please, Beckett, tell me. I’d like to know what part of any of this has been what I want.”

Kate turned her back on him but came around almost immediately. The way he was looking at her. She’d never seen anything in his eyes like that before, not on their worst day.

“I’m serious. Tell me. I mean, was you being with Josh what I wanted? Was you telling me our partnership--or whatever the hell it was--was over something that I wanted? Maybe I wanted your chest to get ripped apart by a sniper and for you to go into cardiac arrest. Maybe that was it. Or, wait, was it you lying to me and telling me you’d call when you damn well knew you wouldn’t and then running off without a word for weeks, leaving me and everyone else who cares about you to worry ourselves sick day in and day out?” He finally allowed himself a breath, the color of his skin a moment to soften from red to pink. “Which part, Beckett?”

She could’ve dropped him with one sentence, dealt a fatal blow to his heart. She could’ve blamed him for all of it. After all, he’d been the one to pull her mother’s case file. Without that, there would’ve been no dominoes, none of the rest. She’d still be numb, not drowning in ache.

But his heart wouldn’t be the only to suffer if she injected that poison. Hers would likewise not be able to survive it. And so, she said nothing at all.

Rick retrieved the bag and transferred it to the couch near where she stood.

“It’s just a few little things. I don’t know. Do whatever with them,” he said and went for the front door, where he stopped and stood for a minute. “You know you lied again, just now. You said if you’d wanted me to come, you would’ve asked me, but you wouldn’t have. The only way I ever get in, Kate, is if I kick a hole in the door and fight my way in. That’s how it’s always been, since day one, because that’s how _you_ want it.” He turned the knob, looked back over his shoulder. “I guess not everything’s about me,” he said and walked out.

Once she could finally get her legs to move again, after she stood there and listened to his car fly back down the driveway and off, she crossed to the couch, opened the bag, and pulled out the items one by one.

She found a can of soup with noodles in the shape of stars and a box of MoonPies, clearly a playful nod to their most recent conversation about the night sky. There was a sandwich bag in which he’d gathered tiny, individual cups of sugar-free vanilla flavoring to be added to coffee, just the way she liked it. Her notepad was there from her desk at the precinct, the silly one with the paper shaped in the outline of a body. And at the bottom was a copy of his newest, _Heat Rises_.

It was all wonderful, thoughtful, exactly what she would’ve expected from him, yet completely unexpected. But the book was special.

She drew a gentle hand across its cover, made an extra pass over his name, and then cracked it open. The dedication and its recognition of her captain, a man she’d come to love as a second father, inspired both joy and sadness. His loss, she knew, would be a hurdle her heart would stumble over countless times before it ever managed to clear it.

Flipping the page, dated nearly two months before and addressed to her, she found a note Rick had inscribed, which without forethought she promptly began to read aloud:

_The first copy…_

_Every word of it is for you. Every word of it is because of you. She is strong because you are strong. She rises because you rise, no matter how ferocious the battle._

_Wherever you go, wherever you are, know you are my first, my last, and my everything in between._

_Always._

When the tears began to fall, she couldn’t stop them.


	5. Chapter 5

A week went by. And then nearly another. Rick’s phone hadn’t lit up with Kate’s image once. And he knew there was a very real chance it might not, ever again.

It hadn’t stopped him. Nothing would. Tracking down the bastards who’d hurt her had been his silent promise in the back of the ambulance that day, and that promise wouldn’t be broken for anything.

Since his drive up to the cabin and the disaster that decision had ended in, aside from a few more local book-signing events in the city, he’d jumped straight back into the norm and had only seen the inside of the loft and of the precinct. But the latter, he’d found out that afternoon, would now be no more.

Montgomery’s permanent replacement had finally landed, and with a resounding thud, and as captains of the 12th went, it seemed she ran a far tighter ship, one that apparently had no room for, as she’d called him, ‘some pretty boy with a pen’.

“So, what now, kiddo?” Martha asked him as Rick slammed in and out of the credenza in his office. “Are you finally going to let Javier and Kevin and the rest of them handle the Katherine matter? It really is too dangerous for you to be so involved, Richard. After all that’s happened.”

He spun his chair half around, threw her a chilly glance. “The _matter_ , Mother, is as much mine as it is theirs. More, actually. This… Gates whoever might’ve kicked me out, but I don’t care. I’ll work from here. Ryan and Esposito will help when I need them.” He gave her his back again. “And I’ll stop being involved when it’s over.”

She’d watched it happening for three years. She’d watched her son become the man in love he was, and there’d been love before, but never like that one. His blind persistence in the name of that love didn’t surprise her. It scared the hell out of her.

“You still haven’t heard from Katherine, I take it?” She pressed absent a reply. “What are you planning to do about that?”

“I did something, Mother,” he snapped. “She made it clear how she felt about it. There is no plan. End of story.”

She approached the desk, tapped it repeatedly with her knuckles as if revving up.

“My boy, sometimes you really do leave me scratching my head.”

“What are you talking about, Mother? I have thi--”

Martha put up a hand to shush him.

“When it comes to Katherine, when have you ever stopped just because there was a stop sign? All these years, Richard, your entire relationship has been you blowing right on through. Now she, what, gives you a little slap on the wrist and you just drive off with your muffler between your legs? You know I have read every one of your stories. That sure as hell doesn’t sound like any ending you’d ever write. If you really do love that girl, get back in the damn car, for crying out loud.”

With a serving of sarcastic thanks for the unsolicited input, he banished her from his office.

He never enjoyed it much when she chose to make some actual sense. The one silver lining being she didn’t do it very often.

**xxxx**

Martha and Alexis stood arm in arm in the entry, their eyes fixed incredulously on the pile of stuff Rick had gathered there, apparently, at some point during the overnight. But it wasn’t so much the simple fact of the pile that had them scratching their heads, rather what comprised it.

From his bedroom that early hour he appeared, dressed from a fresh shower, his head finally lighter of hair and his face free of it. There was a discernible spring in his step, a tune between his lips.

“Dad, what is all this?” Alexis asked, still rubbing away sleep.

“Yes, darling,” Martha followed, “have you secretly gone and joined the Boy Scouts? A tad long in years, aren’t we?”

Visible among the unusual collection of items was a sleeping bag, a tent, a lantern, and what appeared to be some sort of cooking apparatus. They all remained sealed in their original packaging, meaning newly bought, and for reasons that escaped them both. That Richard Castle would prefer The Four Seasons to the forest would come as a shock no one who personally knew Richard Castle, and probably to most who didn’t.

“Good morning, my two favorite people,” he said and pecked each on the cheek. “And, no, I haven’t joined anything, Mother. My years and I are just going camping for a couple of days, that’s all.”

“That’s _all_? Dad, you’ve never been camping in your life. You don’t know anything about camping. Can you even put up a tent?”

He let fly a dismissive guffaw. “Your dad’s a world-famous novelist, Alexis. I’m pretty sure he can figure out how to push a few pole thingies into the ground.” He took a knee beside the pile, dug his hand in and came out with a peculiar-looking utensil. “Check this out. It’s an electric marshmallow toaster! I can cook three at once!”

Alexis crinkled up her face. It was all so bizarre. She could almost have believed she was dreaming.

“That thing’s almost as ridiculous as this whole idea.” She turned to Martha. “Am I awake? Is this really happening?”

“I’m afraid so, yes. Richard, honestly, where has all of this come from? You’ve haven’t told us a thing about it.” She curled an arm of comfort around Alexis’s shoulder. “Surely you have to know how… curious this seems.”

Rick pushed himself back up, his face carrying a far more solemn expression than his gizmo had sparked.

“I’m changing the ending, Mother,” he told her, and by his eyes she understood precisely.

Martha leaned in, whispered in her granddaughter’s ear, waited until she’d gone off to the kitchen for coffee.

“I know you make your living through your creativity, Richard, but a novel this is not. I’m not going to ask any more because I’m not sure I really want to know. Just please tell me this ending you have in mind involves you coming home in one piece and not falling off a cliff or getting eaten by bears.”

He reached out and drew his hands down her arms, flicked his head the way of the gear.

“Bear spray,” he said. “They wouldn’t dare.”

**xxxx**

Rick had worked it all out, sort of. More accurately, he’d worked it out about as much as a man who lived largely by impulse could.

What he was up to was untried. There was no getting around that truth. And for him and the way he customarily lived his life, his plan was a bit--to use his mother’s term--curious. But it was for Kate. It was all for Kate, and if ever there was a time for him to drive through a stop sign at full speed, that was it, even if he ended up crashing and burning on the other side. No one would ever be able to say he didn’t try.

After spending the morning working to connect sniper dots he’d already worked to connect dozens of times before, he set out on the road in his packed car, in hopes of arriving upstate with enough light to get into position before darkness fell.

It was his initial difficulty in locating the cabin that actually helped spark the idea and set its framework. Pine Drive came to a dead end about sixty yards up the quiet road from the Becketts’ driveway, with three diamond-shaped signs standing at the tree line to mark it so. It seemed a spot far enough out of view from the house so as not to draw Kate’s attention, and with a ‘For Sale’ sign posted in front of the place across the street from hers, he assumed the neighbors, too, were a potential concern crossed off the list.

So, when he arrived, Rick maneuvered the car around, backed it up as far as he could and nestled it against those three diamond-shaped signs. He’d removed from its boxes and condensed the gear some, but he still had multiple trips into the woods ahead of him in order to transport it all from one place to the other. That’s why what light remained of the day would be important, for that and because while he knew from being there before that the street ended, he didn’t know how far or how difficult the walk would be from there to where he needed to be. To where he’d have a clear view of the cabin.

According to his phone’s calculation, it came in at just under a mile, and thankfully, despite having his hands full, he didn’t find the trek all that difficult. The terrain was essentially flat, the ground coated in soft needles, and because the property line was so clearly defined, he felt no worry about getting lost or turned around.

The area he settled in was along the back of the yard, a small clearing squared off by the trunks of four healthy pines and tucked back off the grass enough to remain hidden, if he played everything smart. It cost him three trips to the car and back, but it was two hours and sweat well spent.

Sliding his new folding chair from its pouch, he popped it open, parked himself in it for a few well-deserved moments of rest, reached down for his backpack and took out his binoculars.

Through them he saw her there, sitting alone out on the deck, her head back and the orange glow of the fading sun kissing her face. He smiled when he adjusted the dial and she came into crisp focus. No sight filled him like she did.

“First, last, and everything in between,” he said softly and proceeded to get started.

**xxxx**

Embarrassing how easy it wasn’t to erect a tent alone when one had never done so before. Quite frankly, for what he’d shelled out for it, he considered it almost offensive that it didn’t just magically assemble with a snap of the fingers. He had the thing standing, but a part of him he’d never admit to the daughter whose doubt he’d laughed off that morning was honestly left to wonder for how long.

The night air that began to roll in had a surprising bite, but, luckily, he’d planned for the possibility and packed a decent sweatshirt, which he’d already pulled on, and though there was more thorough camp setup to be done, he felt settled enough to be back in the chair and hungry enough to do little else.

The evening’s menu was peanut butter sandwiches, a bag of chips, and an apple. The coffee in his thermos was still hot and tasted like something from heaven. He wondered as he sipped it if Kate had used the vanilla cups he’d left. He hoped she had.

She’d been back inside for nearly two hours. The cabin looked sweet across the way with its windows bathed in warm light. He found the view a welcome distraction from the mysterious sounds that swirled in those pines at night. The bear spray thing with Martha had been a joke, but sitting there, listening, it struck him it might not have been such a wise idea to tempt fate.

He pulled out his phone after a while, foolishly glanced around when it lit up like someone might suddenly discover him there. There was no someone. He quickly dismissed his own paranoia and brought up Kate’s number. The main event would come the following night, but he’d already had a taste of her, and there wasn’t a chance in hell he was waiting that long for another.

He dialed.

She picked up.

“Four rings,” he said and probably not as casually as he hoped. “So, either you saw my name and were deciding whether or not you wanted to answer, or you were covered with bubbles in a hot bath and needed to reach for a towel first to dry your hands.”

“I--”

“Please don’t say it. I’m clinging to the fantasy. Also, hi.”

There was a definitive pause.

“I can speak now?” He apologized. “What is it, Castle?”

“What is it? Right, um, well, it’s been a couple of weeks since we… or since I did that thing I did. I guess I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t lost my number, like on purpose. Now I’ve called you, so you’ll have it again, and you can save it, you know in case you did lose it.”

His brain just kept screaming _Oh my god!_ over and over and over. In his most idiotic moments with her he’d never sounded so idiotic.

“You couldn’t just say you missed my voice or something?” The hypocrisy had her rolling her eyes. She certainly wasn’t one to talk.

“No, I did. I definitely do miss your something,” he fumbled and won a whisper of a giggle. “I’m just outside tonight looking at the stars, and it’s a perfect night. Made me think of you, our conversation.”

“Tough to see the stars in the city. You must be in the Hamptons.”

He gave a hum. It felt better than an outright lie.

“You busy?”


	6. Chapter 6

Inside the tent the next morning, Rick opened his eyes to a nasty kink in his neck, found his head where his feet had been when he’d finally gone to sleep and had absolutely no recollection of how it’d come to be that way. Whatever had happened, it’d been a restless few hours, clearly, and though he still had one more night ahead out there on the unforgiving woods floor, he’d already decided it was to be his final night of camping, ever.

Somehow both hot and cold at once, he rolled over onto his stomach in his down sleeping bag, and with a wince reached for the tent’s zipper. Like a turtle from its shell, he poked his head out, stole a peek around and a hit of fresh air, and felt relief to see the shadows of the pines cast across the fallen needles that blanketed the ground. He’d hoped for the sun to be his friend that day, and it had thankfully obliged.

Ducking back in, he disconnected his phone from its portable charger, clicked open his recent call activity. He and Kate had talked for more than an hour, by its record. It’d gone by in a flash, but it’d gone, and after the way they’d last parted, her having answered at all had been, quite frankly, a shock. There was still so much to be said, though. They both knew that.

Eventually he climbed out, heated up some water with the miniature fuel stove he’d bought and made a thermos of instant coffee. He dug the stove. He didn’t dig the coffee. If nothing else, camping definitely came with its share of cool toys, and there were few things he enjoyed more than a cool toy.

He spent the next little while scouting, seeking optimal locations for execution of his vision and marking off chosen target spots with sticks and pine cones. He’d purposely left the necessary elements in the trunk of his car, so he’d have the walk to and from to help kill some time in what he’d imagined would be an agonizingly long day of anticipation.

He’d been right. Only a couple of hours in and it already was.

With his nerves and excitement ramped up, he practically jogged the mile to the car. Jogging was a thing he did twice a year in a busy jogging year, and his lungs weren’t shy in reminding him of that fact.

Upon his return, he downed about a gallon of water, then got to setting out the pieces of his puzzle so he could begin to assemble them. He’d brought with him a dozen strings of white, battery-powered lights, as many garden stakes topped with stars that would shine in the dark after soaking up the energy of the day’s sun, and all the leftover glow sticks from Halloween he could find at the loft. All he had to do then was retrace his steps and hang and, most importantly, try to avoid breaking his neck in the process.

With the step stool he’d nearly forgotten to cart with him from the city--a disaster avoided, to be sure--he scattered the strings at different heights and depths over a small area along the back edge of the property, sprinkled around them on limbs the glow sticks by their hooks, and laid out the stakes so they could begin their solar feast. Then he ran through it, not once but four times, like rehearsals for some obstacle course, so he’d know come time. In the dark and at his best, he figured he’d need a good twelve minutes.

When he was through, he doused his head with water, washed away the sweat and the salt it’d left behind as best he could, and pulled on a fresh tee. For the hours that remained, he had only his chair, a handheld, electronic poker game, his binoculars, and the company of squirrels to keep him occupied.

And except for those he’d spent with Kate, albeit from afar, he’d hated every minute of the wait. He’d stolen a close-up of her as she’d sat out on the deck and eaten in the sunshine. It was incomprehensible to him that a person--a monster--would seek to capture a thing of such profound beauty in a rifle’s scope and then unleash hell to try to destroy it. The very notion of it disgusted him, filled him with rage.

When 7:30 p.m. rolled around, and the sun began to cue the stars onstage, Rick traded in his cargo shorts for jeans, layered up his deodorant, and spritzed on some cologne. It was the best he could do in the absence of beloved conveniences of hygiene, and, along with yet another strike against the practice of camping, certainly a blow to his vanity. 

Kate already had a lamp switched on inside, and he stood a moment against the trunk of one of the old pines and let his invisible writer’s pen scribble a line or two about what she might be doing by its light. He’d already missed too much of her. He wanted to be there so badly. It burned that he wasn’t, that she didn’t want the same.

He slid a hand into his pocket for his phone. He’d set the stage, told her as a joke he might call again that night if he found nothing better to do. Perfectly Kate, she’d told him he shouldn’t do her any favors. He’d smiled.

“Admit it,” he chaffed right off the bat. “When it rang you were hoping it was me.” 

“Why, are you out front with my pizza delivery?”

“Still razor sharp, Detective Beckett.” He smirked. “Vacation hasn’t dulled you at all.”

“Oh, yeah, vacation. Me in my coconut bra over here.” She wandered over to the couch, tucked up her legs and nestled into a corner. “You called. Guess you didn’t get any better offers. Careful, Castle, you might be starting to lose your mojo in your old age.”

He had a small flashlight in his pocket and his fingers were busy rolling it around. He was antsy, to say the least.

“I’m not going to lie, Detective. It tickles me in places to know you spend time thinking about me and my mojo. As for there being anything better than you, this fine wine says never.”

“Sure. So, what are you doing if you’re not out causing trouble?”

Rick looked up to the sky. “Just sitting outside. The stars are starting to come out.”

“What’s with all the sitting outside and sky stuff, Castle? Did you sign up for an astronomy class or something?”

That was just the green light he needed.

“No, there’s no class. Like so many of the good things in my life, it’s because of you. Shoot, hey, Beckett, I need to call you back in, like, fifteen minutes,” he announced abruptly. “Don’t go anywhere.”

“Where would I--” She pulled the phone away from her ear, scowled at it. He’d already hung up. “Go.”

He pushed out a breath to pump himself up and twisted the flashlight on. It was go time. Unfortunately, he didn’t even make it the few yards to the step stool before he tripped and wiped out, but he had neither the spare minutes to brush himself off nor to tend to his ego. Because of it, the forest heard a mouthful as he raced on.

To give himself a leg up, before sundown he’d already grounded the star-adorned stakes and cracked the glow sticks, and then one by one, tree by tree, he flipped the switches on the strings and the bows began to twinkle with light. By the time he reached the last, beads of moisture born of his exertion freckled his forehead and tickled his lip.

Back at the tent, he swallowed down a gulp of water and grabbed what would be the cherry on top of his light sundae, a single sparkler, which he carried with him out into the yard, where he, once again, dialed Kate.

“It’s lucky you caught me, Castle,” she said. “I was just about to go somewhere.”

“You’re pretty feisty tonight. It must be the rum from all those piña coladas that go along with that coconut bra of yours.” He heard a tiny laugh. “So, look, I know I’m probably not someone you’re all that anxious to do a favor for, but in twenty seconds when I ask you for one, would you please just humor me and do it?”

He pinched the stem of the sparkler between his knees, plucked the lighter from his pocket and readied it.

“I might be feisty tonight, but you’re definitely being weird. First you hang up on me, now this?”

“Please, Kate. It’s important.”

He flicked the flame alive and the firework exploded into dance.

“Fine, Castle. What’s the favor?”

He took one final glance over his shoulder at what he’d created, and though not exactly the grand scene he’d envisioned, he hoped it would be, for its purpose, enough.

“Go outside to the deck for a minute. Just one minute. That’s it. That’s the favor.”

A crease of suspicion formed between Kate’s brows, but she did it, she went, and she had only one foot out the door before what she saw hit her like she ran straight into a wall.

“Castle, what--”

“Please don’t be angry.” He held the sparkler in one hand, his phone in the other. “I know I’m not supposed to be here. I just couldn’t get the story you told me out of my head, about your dad and the light and the trees, about the fairies coming down from the stars. I wanted you to see there is something you can believe in, Kate. I wanted you to see me.”

She didn’t know how, because her legs felt like cement beneath her, but she left the door to the house open and started walking, across the deck and then the grass, with Rick as her beacon, and she didn’t stop until the distance between them was all but closed.

“How did you… You did all of this?”

She spoke into her phone, but Rick had already tucked his away.

“You don’t need that. I’m right here,” he replied amusedly. “And, no, you did all of this. All of this is what you do to me.” The sparkler met its end and faded out. “I fell on my face just now getting it ready, by the way. That wasn’t supposed to be part of it.”

“Just a little bonus for me then?” she wisecracked and moved in beside him until they were standing shoulder to shoulder, facing in opposite directions. “It looks like a dream.” Her voice was soft, almost as though the words had simply found a way to escape on their own.

“But it isn’t. It’s real. I promise you. It’s real.” After a moment together in the stillness, Kate let her head come to rest against his shoulder. “Are you warm enough?” he asked. “You only have a t-shirt on. You can go back inside if you want.”

Without a sound, she came around, nuzzled into him as snugly as she could with her sore body.

“Not yet,” she said, and his arms folded around her.

**xxxx**

With a wet towel in hand, Rick came walking out of the bathroom a short time later, showered and dressed in the only clean clothes he had left, those he’d planned on wearing the next day for the drive back to the city. The hot water and the dose of soap were a treat he hadn’t expected. Hell, he hadn’t expected to even see the inside of the cabin again. But between that and the exhilaration of having been able to hold her, if only for a few moments, he was humming.

“Hey, do you want me to--” Kate shifted gingerly on the couch, found him with her eyes, and just seeing her there brought his train of thought to a screeching halt. She’d let her hair loose while he was gone, wrapped a blanket the deep purple of violets around her shoulders. There was a softness about her he couldn’t ever recall meeting, and it seemed impossible to reconcile that just weeks before, _that_ Kate’s world had been shattered. Again.

“Sorry, um, there wasn’t a free hook in the bathroom. I can take this outside and let it dry overnight.”

“Yeah, sure, thanks,” she said. “Just hang it over the back of one of the chairs.” He had to walk past her to get to the door, and he left the scent of her body wash on the air. Something about that felt erotic to her. Erotic and comical. There was nothing masculine about it. “Do you want to have some coffee or something?” she offered when he returned. “Or if you’re hungry, there’s stuff in the kitchen. My dad was here the other day and brought more food than I need. He likes to do that.”

Honestly, food sounded amazing. He hadn’t had much of it in the last twenty-four hours, nothing of substance anyway.

“Your dad’s a good dad. I know from experience that fathers and their only daughters have a special bond. He loves you more than anyone.” There was more there he could’ve said but didn’t. “I don’t want to put you out. I mean, you already let me use your shower. Maybe I could make us both something. Have you eaten?”

Rick came closer, extended her a hand up and she took it.

“Letting you use my shower was for both of us, Castle. You really weren’t smelling all that great,” she teased. “I could eat. One rule, though: no S’morelettes.”

“Well, I see you’re still no fun, Detective. Always playing by the rules.”

Kate watched him as he wandered off for the kitchen. That he was there at all clearly proved that rules, even her own, were meant to be broken.


	7. Chapter 7

Rick prepared them grilled cheese sandwiches and soup for dinner, with fruit salad on the side, and despite its lack of inventiveness or sophistication, it was the best meal he’d eaten in a long time, thanks in largest part to his partner in it, whose mere company had made it so.

They remained apart afterward, sitting separately with their mugs of coffee, Kate on the couch where she was most comfortable and he on a chair he’d borrowed from the dining table and positioned nearby, and it was he who finally broke the lull that’d somehow laid claim to the, at least up until that point, fairly innocuous conversation.

“Beckett, about the last time I was here, just so you can hear me say it. I really didn’t mean to upset you. That wasn’t what I wanted, at all, and I’m sorry I did.” He stared down into the mug emblazoned with her name that he held curled between his hands. “You don’t know how hard it’s been, not for the people you left behind. We may not have lost you to a bullet that day, and thank God for that, but when you just disappeared, when you cut yourself off from all of us and obviously because you wanted to, it sure hurt like we did. It hurt like hell.

“And, look, I get it. I understand time and space. I may not like it--definitely not when it’s time and space from you--but I get it. What I don’t get is you shutting us out.” His tone got harder as the words did. “I don’t get you shutting _me_ out, Kate. All I ever tried to be was someone you knew you could count on, to show that to you, to prove it, but clearly, I haven’t succeeded at either. You just refuse to let yourself believe it, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what you need from me to believe it.”

He had it so goddamn wrong, Kate thought as she sat there and listened to him do something she’d never been able to do: allow her heart to speak.

“Castle, it’s not--I don’t need anything from you. No, I didn’t mean it like that,” she followed when his eyes shifted away. “God, it’s so easy for you, Castle.” She sat forward, set her mug on the coffee table. “You spend your life filling people’s mouths with the right words. The things I want to say, that I’ve wanted to say for so long… I don’t have the right words. The only words I have scare me.”

Rick exhaled his disbelief. “Says the woman who’s taken down killers with her bare hands. Nothing scares you, Beckett.” He shook his head, tipped back another sip.

“You scare me,” she told him over the thump of her heart, after what felt like the longest moment of silence she’d ever had to endure.

Wholly taken aback, he couldn’t manage to say a thing. The sadness of it simply overtook him.

“I understand you weren’t trying to upset me, Castle. Please understand I wasn’t trying to shut you out. I knew that’s what you’d think. That’s all you could think, I guess.” She paused for a deliberate breath. “I was trying to figure out how to let you in.”

His voice was thick with pain when he finally spoke. “I don’t want to scare you, Kate. I only want to love you. I want you to let me love you, and I want you to love me.”

Something happened then. It was so small, a thing she probably didn’t even realize happened and that he shouldn’t have noticed. But he did. It was in her ears and her shoulders and her toes and her eyelashes, and Rick saw it because he knew her everything.

It was a heartbeat of calm.

“Do you love me?”

He put his mug on the table and the perceived implication shot a jolt through her.

“Castle.”

“Do you?”

Images bombarded her mind. The grass and the hospital and the book and the lights. All of it.

“Yes,” she admitted at last in willing surrender and Rick immediately stood up.

“Well okay then.” He grabbed a mug in each hand. “What’s for dessert?” he asked and turned and walked off.

**xxxx**

Kate had to sit with it a minute.

The fingers of both her hands were clenched around the edge of the couch cushion, and it was a good thing they were. With the profound weight that’d lifted, she otherwise might’ve floated straight up to the ceiling.

It’d been the most consequential single word she’d ever spoken, undeniably one that would shift the path of her future, and while she’d been merely scared before, now she’d notched up to terrified.

She heard Rick banging around in the kitchen and eventually went after him. To say she was dumbfounded by his cool-as-a-cucumber reaction to the confession that’d so rattled her was more than a mild understatement.

When she rounded the corner, she found him sitting up on the end of the counter, his legs dangling and kicking lazily, one at a time, over and over, much like a child’s would. He held a carton of ice cream in his hand and had a heaping spoonful of its mint chocolate chip headed directly for his open mouth.

“Sure, Castle, just help yourself.” She tugged the folds of the blanket snug around her shoulders, crossed her arms. “The least you could do is use a bowl.”

With a satisfied smile, Rick allowed the scoop to melt in his mouth. A bit of playful torture for both.

“Want some?” he said and dug the spoon in again. “I’m usually a rocky road kind of guy, but this is actually pretty good.” She just stood there, glaring at him with disapproving and confused eyes. “So, Detective, you love me, huh?”

The satisfied smile wasn’t ever really about the ice cream.

“You’re such an ass.”

He kicked out a leg, but purposefully pointed his toe and hooked the back of her thigh with it. Slowly he inched her closer as he set down the carton and freed up his hands.

“You’re so busted.” He soaked in the gentle curves and angles of her face. He’d done it hundreds of times before, but never with such savory allowance. “And my god you’re beautiful.” Kate punched him playfully on the leg. “Hit me all you want. I don’t have to stop myself from saying it ever again. You’ve now granted me lifelong permission.”

He cinched up her blanket again and she didn’t flinch. She was already different. She was already changed.

“Your life won’t be all that long if you touch my ice cream again.”

“Yeah, save the tough gal for the perps. You don’t scare me.” His posture softened. “I wish I didn’t scare you. God, I hate that.”

Her hand settled on his knee in a gesture of comfort and because, for the first time, she could touch him in a way she’d only ever dreamed about.

“It’s not you, Castle. It’s me. And I know how that sounds, but it’s the truth.” She looked away in frustration. “I told you I don’t have the right words.”

His hand came down over hers. “I don’t want the right ones. I want the real ones. The messier the better.”

Messy, Kate could do. As she stood there, she imagined the thoughts in her brain resembled a child’s painting: all squiggles and splotches and smudges.

Her eyes came back to him.

“You’re the only thing I’ve ever wanted as much as I want peace for my mom. I don’t think anyone but you could understand how difficult that’s been. And I can’t keep trying to convince myself that I have to choose. It’s too hard.”

Rick opened his arms. “Come here. I’m sorry,” he whispered once and then again through the loose hair that hung across her ear. “We’re going to figure it out. Together we’ll figure it out. I promise you.” He eased back, lowered his brow to hers. “I know the ice cream’s melting on the counter behind me, but can I please kiss you now? You can punch me again after.”

There was only one answer, and she gave it eagerly.

**xxxx**

Before long, they moved back to the living room, were sitting side by side on the couch when Rick’s phone alerted an incoming text message.

He didn’t move a muscle for it. Instead, his fingers continued to play in the soft ends of Kate’s hair as they did little more than gaze at one another after having spent the better part of the previous twenty minutes giving new meaning to the term ‘cabin fever’.

“You don’t want to check that?”

“I’m doing the only thing I want to do,” he said and leaned in for her lips, pressed his against them tenderly, absent the wild hunger she’d already--for the time being--fed. “It’s probably getting late, though. Maybe I should head back out to my tent, let you get some rest.”

“Wait, your what?” She barely got the words out. “What are you talking about?”

Rick pulled away, scrunched his face with her unabashed amusement. “When people camp, Detective, they sleep in tents. Why is that funny?”

“Did yours come with a butler?”

“Did--Excuse me, but I’ll have you know that not only did mine come Jeeves- _less_ , I constructed it all by myself and only had one extra pole left over.” The two shared a smile. “I was actually sitting out there in the woods when I called you last night. I didn’t want to cut things too close by driving up here today. I wanted to make sure I had enough time to set everything up.”

Kate rested her elbow up along the top of the couch, angled her head against a fist. “What you did for me out there is incredible, Castle. Really magical. If my dad were here to see it, he’d think so, too.”

“If your dad was here, I’m not sure I’d be able to do this.” He brushed his lips across hers again. “He seems like fine company, but you’ll just have to forgive me when I tell you I’m glad he isn’t.” He swore could feel his hand in hers, but he glanced down anyway to make certain it was real. “I know tonight has been a lot on top of a lot, Kate, so however slow you need this to go, I want you to know I’ll understand. I didn’t do what I did expecting anything.”

Whenever he opened the door, she always enjoyed walking through.

“Thank you, Castle. So, then, I guess this is good night.” She got up off the couch, took a couple of steps toward the back door and stopped. “If you want, I can come out and wake you up in the morning. I think we might be in for a storm overnight, so you might want to pull whatever stuff you have with you inside the tent if you don’t want it to get soaked.”

“Right, yeah, definitely.” Clearly caught off guard--which was her very design--Rick got up, too, followed her across the room.

She believed he’d brought with him no expectation, but she’d spent the better part of her last three years with him, and she knew what hope sounded like on his breath, the way it danced in his eyes. He couldn’t hide that from her, no matter how hard he might try.

Kate pushed open the door and moved aside.

“So, what time in the morning? You made us grilled cheese. I’ll make us some eggs before you head home. I’m sure you have to get back to Alexis and your mom or for book stuff.”

That’d been his plan, to leave the next day, but now the idea of it felt like a punch to the gut. Certainly, the reminder didn’t help.

He stepped out onto the deck, turned back. “It’s okay. I’ll wake up early. I don’t sleep a whole lot these days.” There was a bulb inside a glass globe hanging above the doorframe, and it was abuzz with flying thises and thats drawn to its light. “Did you read it, by the way? The book?”

He'd forgotten to ask. She’d never said.

“Yep.” She nibbled at her lip. “Do you remember what you wrote to me inside?”

“Yep,” he mimicked. It’d taken him hours to choose those words, to get them down on the page just the way he wanted them.

“If I let you stay with me tonight, would you read them to me?”

“As many times as you want,” he answered in a blink.

Kate’s lips curled behind his back when he passed. She’d never intended on letting him go anywhere.


	8. Chapter 8

Rick borrowed a flashlight from the cabin, used it to guide his way out across the yard to the woods to retrieve the bag of toiletries he’d accidentally left behind in his earlier haste, and to zip the rest of his stuff inside the tent to be dealt with in the morning. Because Kate was so smitten with them, the lights in the trees he left switched on to twinkle through the night.

She put on the kettle for tea while he was gone, watched with butterflies in her stomach from the small window above the kitchen sink as he and his attending beam moved back toward the house. She felt electrified by it, by the certainty in his pace, by the knowledge that he was coming for her and between them stood no barrier.

The world of that night they were in was the most real of all worlds, and it was to be the first of all the nights that remained.

He gave her a peck on the lips when she met him at the door. “Any room at the inn?” he jested. “The last place I stayed didn’t mention in the ads that I’d be waking up to a giant stick jabbing me in the ribs. Two stars.”

Kate handed him the backpack he had sitting on the dining table, locked up behind him. “You poor baby,” she mocked and set off down the hallway with him in tow. “Sounds to me like you got out of there lucky. There are definitely worse places you could’ve been jabbed.” She stopped in the second doorway and let him catch up, pointed toward the corner of the bedroom obviously her own. “You can put your stuff on the chair or wherever.”

Rick wandered in, noted her scent in the air, felt her warmth instantly.

“This is nice. Perfectly… cabin-y.” His eyes surveyed the modest space and landed on the nightstand, where his gifted copy of _Heat Rises_ sat atop a small collection of other books. “It seems I’ve already been welcomed into your bedroom,” he said with a waggle of a brow, dropping his things and taking a seat at the edge of the bed, plucking the hardback from the stack.

She firmed her back up against the doorjamb just a few steps away. “Yeah, well, I invited the MoonPies in first, had my way with them. You did beat the soup, though. We ate that with our grilled cheese sandwiches tonight before it got its chance.”

“Now that’s a depressing consolation if ever I’ve heard one. I guess being the runner-up is the cross I bear for being such a stellar giver of gift. And speaking of stellar--watch me wordsmith here--the stars in the soup were pretty adorable.”

Kate gave him half a roll of the eyes. The other half couldn’t help but be impressed by his ever-sharpened linguistic knife.

“I really liked it, Castle.” She flicked her chin the way of his hands. “I know I don’t usually say much about the books because the whole thing’s still weird for me, but she’s… fun. Thank you for sharing it with me.”

Without meeting her eye, Rick opened the cover, flipped to the note he’d written, and read its words aloud. They were few, but she nonetheless had tears in her eyes by their end. Despite how many times she’d read them herself, it was almost as though she hadn’t experienced their true gravity until she heard them in his voice, and though she’d used the request of him doing so as a bit of phony lure, his rendering of payment left her weak-kneed.

“I don’t think I ever understood what real envy was until I met you,” he said quite out of the blue. “It was a while ago, but I can still remember vividly this one night at the precinct. I can still feel exactly how it felt, almost like a ghost sensation or something. That probably sounds strange, but I can’t think of a better way to describe it.

“We’d closed a case and I came around the corner looking for you and I saw you kiss Demming. I mean, it was my own fault. I’d told him there was nothing between us, which was some version of the truth, I guess. But, in that hallway, in that moment, I’d never wanted what someone else had more than I did right then. I was so in love with you already. I never imagined the love I felt then could be only the half of it. Now I know how wrong I was.”

Kate went to him, took the book from his hands and put it aside. Her fingertips whispered along the line of his jaw. He hadn’t shaved. She quietly relished in the hint of wild.

“You always have them. You always have the words.” Her thumb traced his lips and she followed with a kiss, open and soft. “Get ready and come to bed with me,” she said and stepped back into the doorway. “I’ll be back.”

**xxxx**

The quiet was a shock to Rick’s city-boy senses, even more so than the darkness that hung around them like a thick curtain as they lay there, side by side, in her bed, and no matter how mightily he tried, neither his body nor his mind could find the calm in it.

How many times he’d been there with her in that very place, and yet it was the first. Such was a cruelty of recurring dreams. They teased preparedness when no such state could possibly exist. Nothing could’ve prepared him for the realization of what, for years, had been purely a spectacular fantasy.

“Are you warm enough? Are you too warm? I can--”

“Castle, I told you I’m fine. You don’t have to keep asking.”

He shifted onto his side and up onto his elbow.

“I know. I’m sorry. Can I confess something?”

Kate rolled her head his direction. “You usually sleep with your socks on? I had a hunch.”

Foregoing a flood of apt retorts, he chose the path of sincerity. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous in my life, and please don’t take this as me trying to point fingers, but the way you smell is not helping.”

The first path she chose wasn’t as straight.

“Seems like we’re in the same boat then. You used that soap too, Castle.” She pulled her hand from beneath the sheets, found his arm and wrapped around it. “You won’t hurt me, you know. I got shot, Rick. I’m not glass. I’m not going to break if you touch me. I want you to touch me.”

He let his body come slowly over, his mouth hover just above hers.

“I can feel your breath,” he whispered and relished in the warm tickle. “I know this happening, but I can’t believe this is happening.” He accepted and settled between them when she slid her leg open in invitation of his body. “Say it again.”

“I want you to touch me,” she murmured against his lips and their mouths connected in sweet longing, in exploration as gentle as a butterfly’s wing, because neither felt the need for hurry that so often accompanied the rewards of patience, of restraint. It wasn’t a night to prove, but to celebrate. It wasn’t a night to race to the finish, but to begin.

“Wait.” Rick pulled back. “Wait a second.”

“What’s wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong.” He pressed a kiss against her neck. “I just--” He pushed up off of her, balanced his weight on one arm and stretched for the lamp, finally succeeded in twisting it on after a moment of amusing struggle.

It wouldn’t be enough to hear her. He needed to be able to feel her eyes on him and his on her.

“I want to see you,” he said rising to his knees and lifting the sheets away.

He set his sights on her sleep shirt and went to work on its row of buttons, from bottom to top. Deliberately, he unfastened each, knowing what was hidden beneath, knowing the pain of facing firsthand the evil that’d been perpetrated upon the art that was her body would be unbearable. 

“Castle,” she said when he reached the last and became still, “it’s okay. You can look at it.” He inched his fingers beneath the fabric and it fell aside, exposing her skin, her breast, and the reminder she was now forced to carry with her for a lifetime.

Rick forced his eyes to drift there and linger, as difficult a thing as he’d ever done, but what they’d left was an ugliness so beautiful, it was simply beyond his capacity for words.

“I wish it’d been me.”

“No,” she said in tender tone.

“I hate them. If they’d taken you from me, I would’ve hunted down every fucking one of them.”

Kate held out her hand for his. “I know, but I don’t want them here tonight, okay? Look at me, Castle. See me, not them.” Their eyes met. “I love you.” It was the first time she’d said it aloud, and its uncaging felt so good, once wasn’t enough. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

She guided his hand to her breast and settled it there, and the rhythm of her heartbeat immediately soothed him. Without taking it away, he stretched out again beside her, kissed her lips before replacing his hand with his mouth.

With a soft tongue he teased her, gave more when she closed a fist around his hair.

“She likes that,” he beamed.

“You sure managed to get over that whole nervous thing in a hurry.”

He adjusted his position, nestled himself back between her thighs, granted equal attention to her other breast, and her back arched with the contact, like he’d thrown a switch on her every nerve ending. Her skin smelled like the air after a spring rain shower and he wanted to feast on every inch.

“It’s a process. I’m working through it. Slowly.” He inhaled another hit of her fragrance, sprinkled a line of kisses down her torso. Kate angled her head on the pillow to watch him. When he reached the band of her shorts he paused, perched his chin. “I could just stay right here and look at you all night, just like this.”

“You know,” she noted playfully, “I bet if Rook said something mushy like that to Heat, she’d tell him to zip it and strip it.”

Rick snickered. “I mean, I’m no prude, Detective, and I’m always game for some role-play, but a ‘please’ wouldn’t hurt.”

The curve of her lips vanished when she tugged the bottom one between her teeth.

“Please,” she said, and it was a thousand words in one.

He pushed himself backward off the end of the bed, stepped out of the only thing he was wearing, and crawled back on. Hooking his thumbs beneath the elastic at her hips, he spoke as he proceeded to finish undressing her.

“The things I’ve fantasized about you asking me to do to your body with my body… I think even Nikki might blush. When I was in that hotel room in D.C. a few weeks ago”--he freed one leg from her shorts, left them loose around her other ankle-- “I dreamed you showed up at my door wearing only a towel and pulled me into a hot shower, and, let me tell you, getting clean was the very last thing on your mind.”

Without apology, Kate’s gaze traveled over his bare skin and his arousal swelled her twitch to an ache. By the time his fingers came for what was left, her skin was so sensitive to his touch, she thought it alone might send her over.

“I don’t think I can make it to the shower.” He kissed the inside of her thigh with an open mouth and teased it with the tip of his tongue. “Definitely can’t,” she breathed, and when she took him inside her and he filled her so perfectly, she knew her body, not only her heart, was forever changed.


	9. Chapter 9

Kate opened her eyes in the room’s pale morning light and squeaked a yawn into the hush. Beside her the bed was empty, beneath the sheets her naked body warm and worked, and were it not for the unmistakable hum of her muscles, were it not for the mementos Rick’s body had so deftly gifted in the hours before, waking alone surely would’ve had her wondering if it’d all just been another dream.

Following a few delicious moments of remembrance, she pushed the covers aside, dropped her feet to the floor, and buttoned her sleep shirt around her. She caught the hint of a smile on her lips, like she was some woman with a secret. And she supposed that’s what she was as she sat there. They were the only two in the world who knew what’d happened. Hell, there in that place together, tucked away in that cabin among the pines, they felt like the only two in the world.

With her violet blanket pulled around her shoulders to help fend off the air’s unexpected chill, she went looking for Rick, found him standing out on the deck under the pink sky of sunrise in his jeans and bare feet. Maybe it was that she simply didn’t give her presence away, or maybe it was that something special had captured his absorption. Whatever it was, he never moved.

“You aren’t cold?” she asked though she could already see the answer written on his skin.

“Not really.” It took a beat, but he came around. “I’ve been out for a little while. I’m used to it.” He looked back over his shoulder at the scene. “Do you ever get used to _this_? I’ve spent my whole life living in the city, and standing here watching this performance, I can’t think why.”

Kate pressed a kiss against his arm. “You and the sky again,” she teased. “I’m sure it must be incredible in the Hamptons, too, but sunrise is a special time up here. Especially when the stars are still twinkling.” The trees along the back remained perfectly aglow with the lights he’d hung. “I guess like most things you don’t know what you’re missing until you know. Speaking of which, you must’ve really done a number on me last night. I didn’t feel you get up.”

Rick reached around and snugged her close to his body.

“It was multiple numbers, as I recall.” He kissed the top of her head. “I’m glad I didn’t wake you. My brain’s noisy this morning. I figured I’d come out here and see if I could quiet it down.”

“Did you?”

“Honestly? No.” He exhaled a long breath. “Look, I don’t know what your plan is or if you even have one. I don’t know if you’re ever going back to the 12th or if, in all these weeks, you’ve decided to become a florist instead. That’s… florists are great, and obviously, what you want--whatever that is--is the most important thing. Just know, for whatever it’s worth, that you being home with me is what I want. I want to kiss you every day and make you pancakes and hear you laugh and feel your hair brush my cheek. All of it, good and bad.”

She angled her head to see his face. “Wow, your brain really is noisy. Together we make quite a pair.”

“Let the record show, I’ve been trying to convince you of that for years.”

Kate pinched him on the backside. “Okay, we can keep talking about this, but how about we do it inside? You might be used to it, but I have no pants on and I’m cold. Plus, coffee.” She stepped out of his hold and made for the door.

“I think it’s fair to say that, as a general rule, anywhere you go without pants, I’ll be right behind you.” She flashed him a scowl. His eyes were too busy a bit further south to notice. “How about you make the eggs and I’ll make the coffee?” he posed and followed in after her.

**xxxx**

They ate their breakfast beside one another at the counter, her legs stretched out across his, his hand gliding over her skin the whole time.

“I’m not becoming a florist, by the way,” Kate said when pleasant chatter faded. “Or anything else. I’m a cop, Castle. That’s what I am, and I won’t let anyone take that, not them and not…” She caught herself before the rest of it came out, but Rick knew.

“You can say it. Me?”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be, and you don’t need to hold yourself back, not with me.” His hand never stopped its slow caress. “Beckett, I would never ask you to give up being a cop. That night I came to you about your mother’s case, I knew you wouldn’t walk away. That was me being afraid. And, not entirely unselfish, because the thought of me without you was--and is--unbearable. I didn’t know what else to do, and I’m sorry I said things that hurt you.”

She cupped his cheek. “I’m sorry, too. I didn’t want to push you away. I didn’t know what else to do either.”

He turned and kissed her palm. “Okay, so, whenever it may be, Detective Beckett, you’ll go back to work detecting, and I’ll go back to… doing whatever it is I used to do.”

“None of us are really sure.”

“Funny. Finish your toast. No, I guess I’ll just focus on the next installment of Heat and use the extra free time to enjoy driving Mother crazy. She’s had it pretty easy the past few years.”

Kate’s brow crinkled in confusion.

“Extra time?”

“Oh, shit, I never told you. Yeah, I met your new boss and she is not a fan. There will not be any more shadowing of the NYPD’s best in my future.”

“I’ve been meaning to call Javi,” she softly uttered to herself. “You’re my partner.”

It was such sweet puzzlement Rick couldn’t help but smile. “I always will be.” He kissed her lips. “Don’t worry about all of that right now. I, um, I actually had an idea this morning when I was standing out back. I want to run it by you, see what you think.”

She chomped down on her triangle of rye. “Should I grab onto something first?”

“You can talk dirty to me after. Hear me out. So, again, I don’t know what your timeline looks like for going back to work--now that I know you are going--but for my work, I have to be out in L.A. for a few days next week. There are a couple of events for promotion of the book. Would you, maybe, consider coming along? Everything’s already set. I’d just have to get you a plane ticket and that’s easy.

“Okay, I’m not sure what that face is exactly, so I’ll go on and say we could take walks on the beach, maybe go for a drive on Mulholland, order $47.00 hamburgers from room service, sleep all day, whatever we want. My stuff won’t be until early evening, and I won’t drag you to any of that. To be honest, I sort of like the idea of you having to wait for me and then letting me make it up to you. Why don’t you go get cleaned up and think about it? I’ll take care of this mess.”

She didn’t need to think about it, but she took him up on the kitchen-duty offer anyway.

**xxxx**

“There was a little bit of coffee left,” Rick called to her through the frosted glass of the shower. “It’s waiting here for you when you’re done.” He left the mug on the sink beside her towel, cleared a spot in the fogged-up mirror with the outside of his hand and checked his look. He needed a shave but would leave it for the city.

“I think yes.” She likewise cranked up her voice, so he’d be able to hear it over the water.

He chuckled.

“I wasn’t asking anything. I was just saying there’s coffee here.”

Kate pushed open the shower door and stuck her head out. Steam came wafting out with her. “Take your pants off and get in here, Castle,” she told him and shut herself back in.

It took only a matter of seconds, his jeans and his boxers left in a pile on the floor.

“I was going to wait and shower when I got home, but it was such a kind invitation,” he razzed and stepped beneath the spray, soaked his body in the heat. She watched him as he did, and he knew it. “Feels good. I forgot to mention it last night. You guys have much better water pressure up here than I expected.”

She moved into him, ran her hands up his back and down again. “You’re leaving in a little while and we’re standing here naked. Is plumbing really what you want to talk about?” Her hand came around his waist and found him. “Because I don’t really want to talk at all”--she rose up onto her toes and kissed him deeply-- “except to tell you that you can buy me that ticket. That’s what the yes was for.”

Rick’s entire face exploded in soaked joy.

“Seriously? I’ll do it today. Seriously?” He took her face in his hands. “Can you tell I’m happy? Also, I promise we won’t have to chase down any killers this time. Just you and me.”

“Definitely no more coffee for you,” she commented under her breath, and then suddenly found her back pressed up against the glass, his eyes feasting on her.

“I don’t want coffee.” The water was pounding his shoulders and cascading down his chest. Sliding his hands down the lengths of her arms and pushing his fingers between hers, he clutched them tightly. “I want you to be happy, too. I want to help you feel whole again.” He leaned in, brushed his lips across the confluence of good and evil that was her heart and the bullet’s scar.

Neither said another word.

**xxxx**

Rick went out to the woods and packed everything up before he left, all the lights and the tent and his silly camping gadgets. A good portion of it, Kate said he could leave in the shed. He wasn’t ever going to use it again, and at least up there, there was a chance someone else might. When he finished, it was impossible to tell that anyone or anything had been there but the trees.

Their parting was a heavy weight for both. They understood the separation was a temporary one, of course, a matter of just days, but a fire so quickly grown to an inferno was one that didn’t tame without a fight, and that fight would be brutal.

Back in the city that afternoon, he turned off his car and unplugged his phone from its charger. For a moment he considered driving straight back to her, and had his bladder not been kicking and screaming for the better part of the last fifty miles, he very well might’ve.

Instead, he called. She’d asked him to when he got home anyway, but the reason he dialed wasn’t altogether about reporting in.

“I only left a couple of hours ago and you’re _already_ calling me? Clingy much?” he joked when she answered. “You miss me bad and you know it,” he added when she didn’t acknowledge.

“It’s funny how funny you think you are, Castle. I know how much you like games. Would you like to try and guess the operative word in that sentence?”

He puffed out some air. “I give you my body, multiple times, and you give me sass, Detective?” 

There was a grin in her reply. “You’re home?”

“Just got here. Can I say how much I hate that you’re there? Even more than I did before.”

Kate had her copy of _Heat Rises_ in her lap, open to his inscription. She read it silently but heard the words in his voice.

“Maybe I do miss you a little.”

“Mm-hmm.” He hummed, knowingly. “Call me later? I’ll be up.”

“Writing?”

“No, I have to get started deleting all the girls’ numbers from my phone, so my new girlfriend doesn’t find them. It’s going to take me a while.”

“Mm-hmm.” She gave it right back. “Your new girlfriend is one of the best detectives in the NYPD. She can find anyone.”

“Sass, sass, sass,” he said and professed his love before clicking off.

  
  



	10. Chapter 10

At most any other time, Kate probably would’ve just used her key, but letting herself into a house late at night, unannounced, even the house that belonged to her father, didn’t seem the wisest idea.

So, with her bag at her feet, she knocked, doubled down with the buzzer when he still hadn’t appeared after a long moment. The street out in front of the Beckett brownstone--a classic on a block of classics with its purplish hue, round-headed doors of yellow pine, and thriving potted Pieris--was sleepy in the darkness. Only a couple out walking their dog passed as she stood at the top of the steps. The pair was holding hands, the dog tugging them along, despite its diminutive size, and even in the humor of it, the metaphor wasn’t lost on her.

A light finally flicked on in the front window and the door opened, and by the look on Jim’s face, one might’ve imagined he’d seen a ghost.

“Katie?” He hadn’t been sleeping. His jeans and Yankees tee signaled that. But it didn’t take her years on the cop job to gather she’d clearly interrupted something. “What the heck are you doing here?”

“Hey, Dad. Sorry, I know it’s late.” A silence fell between them then and it grew increasingly awkward, until it became obvious that he purposely wasn’t inviting her inside. “Is--Are you okay?”

“What? Me? No. I mean, yes. I’m just surprised, that’s all. You’re the last person I would’ve expected to see, Katie. Did you call? Did I miss that?” He reached into his pocket for a phone that wasn’t there.

He folded his arms across his chest, kept shifting his weight from one leg back to the other. Were he a person of interest in one of her cases she was talking to, his body language alone probably would’ve earned him an upgrade to suspect.

“Dad”--she battled and defeated a smirk-- “do you have someone here with you right now? Maybe a certain lady-lawyer friend?” Kate knew from their conversations since his recent first date that things were going well on that front. She didn’t know however, that they were going _that_ well.

“We’re just watching the game,” he declared like some defense a Martha Rodgers character might present in a soap opera courtroom trial, more overplayed than was warranted. “We’re winning.”

Kate couldn’t hold back a smile after that. His fluster was just too sweet.

She had his car key in the pocket of her shirt and pulled it out, handed it over. “Okay, well, I’ll let you get back to your… game. It’s parked up near the corner. I, um, I left a bunch of groceries and some of my stuff at the house, but I’ll go back this weekend and clean it all out. I hadn’t planned on leaving yet, but some things have happened that I didn’t expect and--”

“Good things?”

“Yeah, good things.” A lump promptly formed in her throat, but she managed to swallow it down. “I finally saw them, Dad, and I’m home.”

Jim stepped out of the doorway and wrapped his arms around her in a hug.

“I knew you could. I’m proud of you, Katie.”

“I’m proud of you, too,” she told him. “And happy for you. You deserve this.” She took a step back, picked up her bag. “I’m going to go. There’s someplace I have to go. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay? Thank you for everything, Dad.”

“Love you,” he called after her as she headed down the steps.

She stopped and turned, echoed the sentiment, and set off for the subway.

**xxxx**

“I swear, I don’t know how you come up with these disgusting combinations, Richard,” Martha commented on the bowl of popcorn he’d sprinkled with Reese’s Pieces candies. “And to drag your darling daughter down with you.” She shook her head in scorn when Alexis dug into the bowl between the two and gleefully grabbed herself a handful.

“You should live a little, Mother, try new things.” He snugged back against the sofa cushions, slid her his eyes. “Just a suggestion, but maybe you could start with keeping your patently insane opinions to yourself. Unpause it, Alexis,” he said. “We’re almost at the part where the croc chomps the…” His phone buzzed. “Dammit. Hang on,” he huffed and plucked it from his pocket, found Kate’s smiling face on the screen.

“Hey, hi.” He mouthed, “It’s her,” before he hopped up and wandered off. “No, of course you’re not interrupting. I told you to call. I’m glad you called. The girls and I are just having an impromptu movie night. I got to pick. _Lake Placid_.”

“Okay, if we ever do movie nights, Castle, remind me never to let you choose the movie. Martha’s actually sitting there for that?”

He dropped into one of the chairs in his office. “Excuse me, but it has something for everyone. Come on. Betty White? Also, there’s no _if_ about it, but you should know right now that I’ll probably just be using them as a cover to try and make out with you on the couch. Spoiler alert: you’ll let me. Anyway, tell me what you’re doing and, more importantly, what you’re wearing.”

In the hallway outside his loft door, Kate leaned back against the wall, tapped her bag rhythmically with her toes. She had such energy racing through her from just being there, from just having made the decision and leapt, that she couldn’t keep still.

“I’m just hanging’ out, waiting for you,” she replied casually.

Rick tossed his head back, cursed himself. “Oh, don’t say that. I knew I should’ve turned around and driven back. I was so damn close to doing it.”

“Really?” He made the saddest sound. “Well, I guess it’s a good thing that _I_ did it, then.”

His body perked up as straight as a pin.

“What? That’s not funny. Don’t do that to me.”

“Open your front door, Castle,” she said, and he literally sprinted past the girls, from one end of the place to the other. “If you’re not out there, so help--” He threw open the door and flung himself out into the hallway, looked right and then left and saw her standing there.

“Told ya.”

He jammed his phone back into his pocket and came for her, kissed her thoroughly as his mother and daughter peeked their heads out from the doorway.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in all my life,” Martha said. “That was one of the most awful movies I have ever had to sit through.”

**xxxx**

“You really are a sight for sore eyes, Katherine.” Martha held a gentle hand to each of Kate’s cheeks. The last time she’d seen her had been the moment the paramedics had thrust her into the back of an ambulance on a gurney and slammed the doors. “You gave us all quite a scare, and now look at you, more beautiful than ever.”

Kate settled a hand on top of hers. “Thank you, Martha. I sure don’t feel that way, but… It’s really good to see you, too.”

Rick stood with his arm curled around Alexis and watched the two women he loved most share a hug. His mother was gingerly in her touch and it moved him terribly.

“Don’t hog it all, Mother,” he joked when the embrace lingered. “Save some for me, please.”

“Oh, Richard, cut it out. We love her, too, you know, and we deserve our share. Isn’t that right, Alexis?”

Alexis gave Rick a daughterly nod of loyalty, but then sided with her grandmother, just the same.

“We’re really glad you’re okay.” She gave Kate a hug of her own. “I think I’m just going to head up to bed. We can finish the movie whenever, Dad.”

“Or better yet never,” Martha chimed in and punctuated it with a grimace. “I’m right behind you, kiddo. You two enjoy yourselves making up for lost time. Leave the mess over there for me. I’ll handle it in the morning.”

Rick gave her a kiss on the cheek, took Kate’s hand in his, and watched them head off up the stairs.

“I’m sorry, Castle. I didn’t mean to barge in on your night with them,” Kate said once they’d gone. “I should’ve called.”

“No, there’s no reason for you to be sorry. You’re family here, to all of us, and they were thrilled to see you. Not as much as me, obviously.” He pivoted and welcomed her into his body. “I really did almost drive right back up to the cabin as soon as I got here. Will you stay the night?” His eyes swept over her face. “I hope you’ll stay.”

Kate inched up onto her toes and softly kissed his lips, whispered against them.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

**xxxx**

Somehow it made their new reality feel even more real, being there together in that place that wasn’t an escape but rather home.

“You know, you’re quite a romantic, Detective. I mean jumping into the car in the middle of the night and racing down here to be with the man you love just because you missed his chiseled, capable body? That’s the stuff of poetry.”

The light from the bathroom was on but the bedroom otherwise dark when they climbed together into his bed, both all but nude and quietly eager to christen it. Rick fixed in close, let his fingertips glide a lazy path between her breasts and the band of cotton at her hips.

“You’re sticking to your usual fiction, I see. Last time I checked, 7:30 p.m. wasn’t the middle of the night. And chiseled? When was the last time you lifted a weight, Castle, honestly?” She counted a few seconds off in her head then pinched him on the arm. “I will give you the capable part, though.”

He dipped from his elbow for her ear. “So your body keeps telling me,” he whispered, and it made her skin tingle. “Are you comfortable enough? I have more pillows if you want them.”

“I’m good. You must’ve used that book money of yours on this mattress. You might not be able to get me to leave.”

“Imagine you thinking that isn’t exactly what I was just wishing for. Maybe this time away has affected that incredible brain of yours, after all.” He gave her a peck on the lips. “Speaking of time away, I took care of our flights. The one I was on was already booked full, so I we’ll actually be leaving the morning before I was originally going to, but that just means I get more of you all to myself. And you don’t seem excited about it,” he followed when she didn’t respond.

Kate reached up and brushed his cheek. “I am, Castle, I just, I called the precinct today and talked to Captain Gates. I’m going to go back to work in a couple of weeks.”

“That’s a good thing, right? That’s what you want? I assume you’ll have to clear it with your doctor first, but.”

“It is, yeah, but I don’t want to go back without you. I didn’t bring it up with her today because I didn’t want to do it over the phone, but I will. I’ll talk to her. I know Espo and Ryan would, too.”

“Hey, listen to me,” he said and tucked his leg between hers beneath the covers. “This is going to be a really important time for you, Kate, and probably not an easy one. You don’t need me there as a distraction. You get yourself plugged back in, you and the boys, and I’ll be right here every step of the way. What happens after that? We’ll just wait and see.”

She tugged on his arm until his body came over. That it felt so solid, so true on top of hers was already spark enough for arousal. 

“Funny how your being there or not being there could both end up being distracting. You’re just a regular pain in the ass, aren’t you?” Rick let out a half laugh. Her voice softened. “Thank you for not giving up and walking away when there were reasons to.”

“I have to say, I kind of like this sappier you. I might have to dial up Nikki’s mushy-meter some for the next book.”

The next thing he felt was her fingers pinch around the tip of his ear.


	11. Chapter 11

Their plane touched down in L.A. on Wednesday afternoon to bright sunshine and blue skies, a far cry and a pleasant change from the two straight days of showers they’d left behind in New York, and in a rental better suited to its heavily trafficked streets than the Ferrari Rick had chosen for their previous stay, they made their way toward Hollywood and the hotel.

It was the very same, the luxury pad up there on Sunset Blvd., smack in the middle of all the action. He didn’t get out to the left coast often, but when he did, he always booked himself there. The staff knew him, and they doted on him. Rick liked being doted on, and he liked showing off. The place offered a fine opportunity for both.

Upon their arrival, Maurice, the hotel’s familiar VIP concierge, personally greeted the pair in the lobby, with its odd fusion of cold trimmings and warm neon. It didn’t seem to quite know what it wanted to be, but it certainly wasn’t afraid to take a risk.

The effusive ambassador to the stars welcomed them back, impressively included Kate, and though it’d only been a few tears of the calendar page since they’d last been there, his recollection struck Rick worthy of a fifty from his pocket before two minutes had passed.

“I have a little surprise,” Rick whispered to Kate during the elevator ride up to their floor. He wrapped her hand in his when the car came to a stop and the door slid open to just two sets of others, one of them theirs. It, too, was familiar. “I thought it would be fun if I got us the same suite.”

Maurice overheard, chimed in with a little toot of his own horn to perhaps try and earn a friend for the Ulysses he’d earned downstairs.

“Yes, when Mr. Castle phoned earlier, I was happy to work my magic and secure you the suite for your entire stay.” He pushed open the double doors and led them inside. “He is one of our most loyal customers, of course, and it’s one of our best.”

“As are you, Maurice,” Rick cooed and peeled off another bill. “Would you please have a bottle of champagne sent up when you have a moment?”

“Certainly, I’ll take care of that right away. If you find you need anything else while you’re here, day or night, please don’t hesitate to call. You have my private number.” Standing at the window across the room taking in the view, Kate rolled her eyes. Her ears were practically bursting from the sound of all the puckering. “I’ll leave you to your afternoon. Your bags should be delivered momentarily.”

“Thank you, Maurice,” Rick said with a third and final offering of green. Kate tossed in a half-smile.

“Always my pleasure.”

The freshly flush man made his exit, and Kate couldn’t help but dig right in. “I have to say, Castle, your buddy, Maurice, is an excellent fiddle player.”

She came and met him in the middle of the room, slid her hands into the back pockets of his jeans.

“What does that mean?”

“It means that’s how he played you, like a fiddle. How much money have you given him since we walked in _five_ minutes ago?”

There was a knock at the door and Rick called them inside, dealt with the delivery of their things and sent them off again.

“I’m not a sucker, if that’s what you’re insinuating. I’m a nice guy.” He waved his arm like some game show host unveiling a prize. “And look what my nice got us. We’re back. Surprise!”

Kate turned and looked over her shoulder, came back and peeked around his.

“So, which room do you want this time?”

He hugged her into his body. “That’s very funny, Detective. You know if you play your cards right, I might let you do naughty things to me in both beds.” He kissed her, gentle and full, before she could retort. “Should we order some lunch to wash down our champagne or just dive full-on into the tipsy?”

“Find the menu, Moneybags. I’m starved.”

**xxxx**

The three of them had the banana-yellow pod with the umbrellaed hood all to themselves, just Rick, Kate, and the stuffed gorilla she’d won at one of the game stalls a hundred feet below.

He’d thrown down the gauntlet and mistakenly challenged her months-away-from-work accuracy, though with a weapon of the water variety, and he’d lost big. He’d lost enormously, to be more accurate. The ever-grinning primate was perched across from them on the ride’s bench at nearly Rick’s full size, a taunting reminder that despite Kate’s hiatus, rusty she was not.

Beneath the warm sun, the Ferris wheel came to a slow halt above the Santa Monica Pier and gifted its riders a brief panorama of the Pacific coastline. The beach on either side bustled with activity, the crowd of visitors surprising, even for a summertime Thursday, but up there in the sky, they sat together, fingers woven, in the tranquility of their own tiny world.

“I’m sorry my book stuff is scheduled for so late in the day. I’d have loved to bring you down here to do this at sunset.” Rick brushed his lips over the back of her hand. “Next visit, maybe.”

Kate glanced over, caught him eyeing the gorilla again scornfully.

“You really want to toss him out of this thing right now, don’t you? You do remember ten minutes ago when you insisted that I take him, even though I can’t do a damn thing with him, right? I was perfectly happy with just seeing the look on your face when I kicked your ass at that game. That was enough for me.”

“Boy, this ride sure was nicer before you started talking,” he teased. The wheel resumed its crawl and they were on their way back down. “It was rigged, anyway. That kid who ran the booth was completely smitten with you. He practically had hearts springing out of his eyes, like in some cartoon. You could’ve missed that creepy clown mouth with every drop and you still would’ve won.”

“For someone good at a lot of things, you really suck at losing, Castle, you know that?”

Rick’s lips slowly curved at the corners. “I am a pretty talented guy,” he said and earned a nudge as they passed the ride’s start and began a second revolution. “Too bad none of it is helping me find who the hell it was that came after you.”

Suddenly he felt a million miles away, though their bodies were right up against one another.

“That’s not your job or your responsibility, Rick, and it’s nothing you should feel guilty about. I can hear it in your voice,” she remarked when he seemed surprised by the insight. “I know you won’t give it up, even if I asked you to, so I won’t.” She covered their coupled hands with her other. “But you told me that night before everything happened that I was lost in my mom’s case, and I don’t want to lose you in mine, Castle. I can’t. Not now. I don’t know how to pull us both out.”

He leaned in, touched his forehead to hers. “You won’t lose me. Not ever. I promise you that. I just want the bastards to pay for what they did. But you’re right” --he paused deliberately-- “I would kind of like to chuck that thing outta here.”

Kate drew back, popped her brow. “Ride’s almost over. Rematch?” Conversely, his brow dipped. “Next visit, maybe,” she answered for him with a smirk.

**xxxx**

Rick’s first of two evenings of events was scheduled at a renowned independent bookstore in West Hollywood, conveniently just a handful of miles down Sunset Blvd. from the hotel. He set off at 5:00 p.m. for a few hours away that was to include a reading from _Heat Rises_ as well as a signing session/meet and greet, he and Kate agreeing to put off dinner until he returned and they could enjoy it together. 

While he was gone, she checked in by phone with her father, texted Lanie after a couple of days without, and made use of one of the suite’s long and deep soaking tubs. It fit her statuesque body like a glove. A hot, lazy, ambrosial glove.

He called from traffic to tell her he was on his way back, asked if she wanted or needed anything that he should make a stop for, but he was the only answer to both, and she’d been waiting anxiously.

When he finally walked through the door twenty minutes later, he could’ve heard a pin drop. The suite was as still as a church in the night, yet as he stood there overlooking the place, it felt alive in a way he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“So, how many lewd offers did randy women stuff into your pockets tonight?”

Kate’s voice floated out of the distance, low and smoky.

Rick found her leaning against the doorway to the bedroom she’d once occupied on her own. Her hair hung damp and wild, and on her body, she wore only a loose, black V-neck tee that’d plunged over the curve of her shoulder and left it bare.

His keys dropped out of his hand to the floor with the vision of her and he didn’t flinch. He didn’t even blink.

“If I heard none of what you just said, would that make me a good boyfriend or a lousy one? Beckett, you look…”

His thought vanished when she began her approach, not that it would’ve been in any way a coherent one.

“I’m glad you’re back,” she said and slid her hands beneath the lapels of his jacket until she’d rid him of it. “Are you hungry?”

Her eyes spoke far more than her mouth, and his were screaming in ecstasy. Within seconds, her fingers were working the buckle of his belt, and by that point, his desire for food had already long been superseded, forgotten even, quite possibly forever.

“Oh, I could definitely eat,” Rick replied and sampled a taste of her exposed skin. Its notes were different than at home. Sweeter. Licking the honey and vanilla of her from his lips, he kissed hers heartily, weaved his fingers through her hair. “What do you say? Should we give the other bed a shot? I’d hate for it to feel left out.”

He was already moving her in tiny steps, backing her toward the room bathed in that same pink neon of the hotel’s lobby, and by the time they reached it, her tee and his were both things of the past.

He sat her on the end of the bed, dropped to one knee, and slipped her out of the black panties that remained before likewise stripping himself. Kate pushed herself back onto the mattress and he climbed on after her, feathering kisses along the inside of her thigh until he found home.

His tongue teased over her and he watched as her eyes slid shut, as her fingers gripped the comforter in fists with the pleasure. Rolling, slow strokes urged her hips up, whispers of his name escaping her lips in plea of more, which he granted with relish and thirst.

When she insisted she have his mouth, he obliged, and she was just as hungry as he. Long moments passed, deep moments of exploration and discovery, and when he sank into her, their eyes met and locked.

“When we were here, I wanted this,” she spilled in a breath. “I wanted you so badly.”

Each time he pushed into her she felt warmer and softer around him, and the ache of her possession overwhelmed. It was the ultimate euphoria, a collision of chaos and peace unlike any his deft imagination could ever conceive.

“Not as badly as I wanted you. God, you feel so good.”

When she fastened her legs around his hips, Rick rocked faster, gave more. She mewled against his lips, arched into him when he sent her over, his heavy breaths dancing along the skin of her neck when his surrender soon followed.

Afterward, they lay there in the pink glow of the room deliciously spent, their bodies two but one, the stillness returned. It was minutes before either uttered a word. Could utter a word.

“Let’s make a pact right now to never let any bed feel left out, ever, no matter where we go,” Rick suggested only half-joking. “That was so much better than the spaghetti I thought we were going to be having.” He swept the curve of her breast with delicate kisses. “I actually used to be angry with this room because it got to have you and I didn’t. I think we’ve definitely made up now.”

Kate hugged her arms around him, pressed her lips to his forehead. “Wow,” she said, but nothing more.

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s just, I’m afraid to ask what the stuffed gorilla’s going to have to do.”

  
  



	12. Chapter 12

Balancing three pizza boxes and a case of beer on his own, Javi showed up at the loft after work that night, kicked his foot against Rick’s door a few times, absent a free hand, to announce his arrival.

Rick let him in after a matter of only seconds and started in on him just as swiftly.

“You couldn’t just use the buzzer like a civilized person, Esposito? I half expected to find SWAT standing there with the ram when I opened the door.”

Javi moved inside, stopped in the foyer beside him, slowly turned his head. “Ram this, bro, okay? Grab the case before it crushes the damn pie. If the cheese ends up being all jacked on the top one, it’s got your name on it.”

Rick lent a hand, albeit with reluctance. “They all do, actually. I paid for them.”

“What’s your point?”

Javi’s scowl had him immediately pivoting course. “So, Ryan’s not with you?” He opened the box of beer, pulled out two bottles, and slid the others into the fridge.

“He ducked out early. He and Jenny had some appointment to make goo-goo eyes at each other or whatever, I don’t know. Something for the wedding. He’ll be here.” He gave the place a sweep. The poker table wasn’t set up, nor was there anyone else around. He’d expected both. That’s why he’d come. “Where’s your boys at, Castle? Not that I can’t polish off three Authentic Nick’s by myself, but our case is shit, and taking everyone’s money tonight was going to help me sleep.”

“Hey, Jav.”

The voice came from across the room, from Kate, who’d stepped out of Rick’s office without drawing his attention.

His eyes shot first to Rick, who returned a half-smile, then he shifted his surprise to her. “Beckett, girl, what? You’re here?” Kate crossed to him and they embraced, not as partners in blue, but as the dear friends reuniting after too long that they were. “Castle never said anything. I didn’t know you were back. Damn, considering everything, you look good.”

“Thanks, Espo. I feel good. Or better, at least.” Her eyes traveled Rick’s way, and not subtly. “And don’t worry. I’m not pissed anymore about you helping this one to find me.”

“It was Ryan!” Rick exclaimed and earned a glare from both. “I swear. I really tried, Esposito. She wouldn’t buy it. I--okay, why don’t I just go… away,” he stammered, “let you catch up?” He went back into the kitchen, allowed the two a moment alone.

“You really do look good,” Javi told her, gentler the second time. He wore his relief openly. “I missed you, girl. You know you could’ve--” He cut himself off. She knew. “I’m glad you’re back. We could use you down at the house. Things are different with the new captain and everything.”

“Castle told me about Gates kicking him out. I hope you guys celebrated,” she joked.

“Naw, we give him a hard time, but we love your boy. It was rough. Castle’s been going non-stop for you since the shooting. He didn’t deserve the axe.”

Kate looked over and watched Rick playing at being busy. Her eyes smiled.

“Yeah, I love him, too.”

“He know that now?” he asked on the other side of a pause, and she gave a single nod. “Good for you. I mean you could obviously do better, but you know me. I’m all about the support.”

She giggled.

“I’m going to talk to Gates. I got cleared by my doctor today. I’m back at the 12th next week, and I’m going to talk to her about Castle. If I need it, would you jump in for him, Javi? He belongs there with us.”

The door buzzed and Rick scooted to tend to it.

“Don’t worry. I got you,” he said. They both heard Kevin’s voice. “Partner does, too.”

“Holy cow, Beckett!” She and Javi met him halfway, and he put his arms around her. “I can’t believe you’re here. This is a much better surprise than the cannoli Jenny bought for us.” Rick flipped open the box of pastries and his eyes widened. “God, we’ve missed you.”

Javi swatted him on the arm. “Quit blubbering, bro. She gets it. Let the woman breathe.”

“Right, sorry. It’s just, wow. It’s you. _Here_.”

“Pizza’s getting cold. Who wants in?” Rick called out and flagged the crew over. “Ryan, beer’s in the fridge. If Jenny’s letting you have beer, of course. If not, we’ll all enjoy pointing and snickering at you while you drink juice.”

“I’ve missed you less, Castle,” Kevin mumbled.

Kate quietly rounded the counter to Rick and curled an arm around his waist, while the other two dug into the boxes. She rested her head on his chest and he leaned in, touched his lips to hers.

“Whoa!” Kevin blurted at the sight. “That’s new. I mean seeing it is new,” he added when Javi scolded him with a look. “We’ve known for, like, a while, obviously.”

“What can I say, boys? She finally wore me down, threw herself at me.” Rick shrugged. “I guess begging does actually work sometimes, and it was just her lucky night.”

Javi shook his head. “You sure you want this clown back at work with us, Beckett? I’m cool without him, as long as he leaves the badass coffee behind.”

Kevin washed down his mouthful of pizza with a gulp of beer. “Wait, Gates said you could come back, Castle? That’s awesome.”

Kate kissed him again softly when he couldn’t say yes.

**xxxx**

They’d spent the night before at Kate’s place. They’d been trading off, going back and forth from his loft to her apartment as they fancied, but she’d wanted to wake up in her own bed on that morning, one of the most meaningful mornings of her career. Of her life. 

Standing in the shower at dawn, she was like a kid on the first day of school following summer break. She felt so many things at once, and each so distinctly--the excitement, the uncertainty, the hope--each pumping through her with every beat of her heart, and the beats were screaming around the track.

There was also fear, and though she tried to deny it its place, there was a thing about fear: it wasn’t always such a great listener.

Rick came up behind her as she stood at the bathroom sink, brushed her wet hair from her neck, and pressed his lips against her skin. Her robe hung from her shoulders, open, both ends of its sash dangling free, granting passage for his hand to wander and settle atop her warm breast.

“Tell me how you feel,” he said, and their eyes met in the mirror.

Kate could see only to his waist in the reflection. He was still naked from sleep and the tease of it titillated her with a bang. It pained her there wasn’t time to visit, but the wicked place she shot off to plucked a noteworthy string that would no doubt reverberate all across the day’s hours.

She flashed a glance downward, at his fingers tickling beneath the silk, and then came back to him. “You tell me,” she countered in velvety tone.

His foggy, morning smile faded into solemnity. “You’re going to be okay, Kate.” He shifted aside the fabric and exposed her scar, traced over it affectionately. “You’re still here. You’re still you, and that’s the strongest, bravest person I’ve ever known.”

She rotated her body, pulled him into a slow, deep kiss.

“Will you come with me? Just be with me until…”

“You don’t even have to ask. I’ll be whatever and wherever you need me to be.” He tapped her gently beneath the chin until she raised her eyes to his. “Remember, first, last, and everything in between, and I love you more than there are words.”

“I love you, too,” Kate whispered against his lips, and the beat of her heart raced with it.

**xxxx**

Along the way, Rick slipped into his usual morning joint and grabbed them each a coffee before they continued on to the precinct. Kate held his hand in the elevator when they arrived, didn’t let go when the doors opened to what had always been for her another home.

It was the scent of it that flooded her first. She’d grown so accustomed to it over the years, she hadn’t realized its absence would foster such nostalgia, but it instantly soothed her like a touch.

The pair stepped out together, paused for a moment at the edge of the bullpen. She observed with reverence her second family buzz around the floor, the family she’d come an inch from being ripped from, and tears welled up in her eyes before she could stop them.

The applause was what pulled her out of it. They all stopped along their paths and greeted her return with supportive cheer.

“What the hell is going on out there?”

Inside her office, Captain Gates pulled off her glasses and dropped them onto her desk in a snit. Kate’s partners, seated opposite her, exchanged shrugs but jumped up right behind her when she got up to investigate.

“It’s Beckett,” Kevin said and pushed around the two.

“Our girl’s back,” Javi followed and likewise headed off.

Gates stood alone in the doorway, observed the scene. She knew Kate only on paper, her voice from a single phone call, but she’d already earned her respect--admiration even--simply by walking back through the door.

“Detective Beckett,” she called over the buzz, “a moment? In my office.” She watched Kate turn to Rick, watched him tenderly kiss her forehead, whisper something in her ear. “Now, please.”

“Close the door, Detective,” she instructed when Kate walked in. “Sit. That was quite a welcome. It seems you’ve been missed around here.” It wasn’t a question, so she didn’t get an answer. “You’ve been through quite an ordeal. Are you sure you’re up for being here? Are you sure you’re ready for this?” she posed calculatedly.

Kate didn’t like the tone of it, the suggestion of doubt in the words of a woman she’d never even met. Hell, Kate didn’t enjoy having her capability questioned by anyone, no matter the circumstance.

She gave her captain a dead stare.

“Did you hear me, or do I need to repeat myself?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I weren’t ready. And whatever you read about me in that file,” she added having noticed it there, labeled with her name, before she sat, “doesn’t even begin to tell you the kind of cop I am.”

On her elbows, Gates peered over the rim of the glasses she’d propped back up on her nose.

“Is that so? And what kind of cop is that, Beckett?”

“The kind that doesn’t need to prove to anyone that this is exactly where I belong.” Without a word, Gates leaned back in her chair. Their focus remained fixed on one another. “I want to talk about Castle.”

She hadn’t intended on bringing him up in minute one. In her amped state, it’d just come out of her, and with the cocked brow of a cue she drew, she kept going.

“As much as Esposito and Ryan are, Castle is my partner, and I’d like for you to trust me when I tell you he should be here, that we’re better when he’s here.”

Gates folded her arms across her chest. “The man has zero training in police work or procedure, Detective, and from what I’ve gathered, a very loud mouth. One of those could get my people killed. The other just pisses me off.”

“Join the club,” Kate muttered. “Look, you’re right, Castle may not have run through the academy obstacle courses or read the textbooks, but, as the best detective you’ve got, I’m telling you he has a mind for this. He comes at things in a special way, and sometimes he can see the full story where we can only see pages.”

Gates sat quiet a moment.

“And you and Mr. Castle are…”

“Yes.” The inference was apparent, and a lie would’ve been foolish. “What we are will be kept out of the job. I promise you that.”

“I can promise you, Beckett, that if just one of his toes crosses a line and I hear about it, he’ll be out of my house again so fast it’ll make his loud mouth spin. And another thing, if you want me to trust you, you have to trust me. That road travels both ways. Now, he was a fine man and a solid captain, but I am not Roy Montgomery. You may not always like it, but whether you do or you don’t, you and I are in this together now, Detective.” She pulled back into her desk. “You’re excused. Tell Mr. Castle I’ll be watching him, so he best watch himself.”

Kate got up, walked to the door, and turned over her shoulder. “Thank you, Captain,” she said, still somewhat in shock.

“We’re all glad to have you back here, Detective Beckett,” Gates replied without granting her eye.

A small group was gathered around her desk when she came out, Rick among them. She’d expected he’d have gone. She certainly hadn’t expected he’d now be able to stay.

It took a few seconds, but they found one another across the room and through those people she’d missed. Kate smiled because she had a secret. He smiled back because he no longer had one.

**_XX_ **

_“May it_ **[Castle]** _be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out.” J.R.R. Tolkien_

Thank you all, for everything.

Take good care of yourselves and each other.


End file.
